Monday, November 1, 2010

Heavy D

Deryl says.....I hope this post makes sense because I feel all over the place. I am sitting here watching the Rangers in the World Series (something I thought would never happen) trying to get into it. But I am having a difficult time for a few reasons. So let me list for you the things going on.

First and foremost Kelley had a bone scan on Friday because she has had pain in her hips. The doctor doesn't think it is anything to be concerned about but wants to be safe and have it checked out. What sucks about it is that it makes you realize that every time Kelley has an odd pain it is hard not to wonder if cancer has spread. Kelley had already mentioned to me that she was experiencing those thoughts and feelings. But I didn't get concerned because I figured it was a natural reaction for someone in her situation. But when the doctor wants to rule things out then I get caught up in the anxiety of it all. Kelley didn't want to tell me about it but I am glad she did. Even though I am anxious about it at least I can pray about it and if it did wind up being something bad I won't be blindsided by
it. I think that would be harder.

The next thing is that the girls were fighting tonight. I tried so hard to help them work it out calmly. And I failed so miserably. I tried to talk to Rachel about it and help her see things differently and I just couldn't communicate it in a way that she could understand. By the time I was done I couldn't even try with Heather. I was mentally exhausted. I know that nobody is perfect and I try not to dwell on it but when I fail in a parenting situation I feel so low. Kelley thinks they need more discipline and I think they need more love and encouragement. The reality is they probably need more of all of it. I just hate feeling like a bad father. I don't really think I am but sometimes I sure feel that way.

I know I usually have something philosophical to say or some spiritual lesson I gleaned out of this but right now I just feel really shitty. There is no other way to describe it. It is probably exaggerated because of everything else going on. I don't really have the time or the desire to describe it all. I am naturally such a positive person but it is all starting to feel so heavy. This valley has been so long and so hard it will be so nice when it is over. We appreciate all your kind thoughts and prayers.

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