Kelley says..............
Just wanted to put a quick update that my Friday afternoon appointment with the medical oncologist just got rescheduled to Monday, June 14th at 1:00. Also, the fluid build up doesn't seem to be any worse so I'm thinking that must be a good sign.
Thank you for your prayers!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Prayer Request
Kelley says................
Well, on Monday I got the drain tubes out and they told me there was a possibility that fluid would still build up and they would have to drain it out with a needle. Last night, I realized that is exactly what is happening. PLEASE pray that my lymphatic system would naturally drain this fluid the way it is supposed to and that this will be no big deal. I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 and I just really hope to go in and be tons better with NO problems.
This just really makes me upset. I am still not completely healed up on either side and now this. I will not be able to move forward with my reconstruction until I am healed. I know God is my healer, so I need him to heal me!!!!
Also, my appointment with the medical oncologist is on Friday afternoon. The final test result will be in that shows how likely it is cancer will recur in the next 10 years. Pretty amazing that they even have this test now. I'm praying the numbers are really low but ultimately, I want God's will to be done. It is amazing how many people want me TO have chemo. Then there are others who say whatever you do, DON'T have chemo. None of these being in the medical field. I realize that there is only one person walking in my shoes right now and that is me. Which is frightening because I would love for someone else to walk in them just for a moment and then offer me advice and try to make my decisions for me.
Only I will know how God is leading ME. Only I will know where I feel the most peace. At this point, if they recommend Chemo I will do it because of fear that the cancer will return. If I decide to NOT get Chemo, it will be out of fear of the treatment itself. It seems like every decision in this process sucks big time. Really, there isn't a decision that doesn't completely suck, it is just deciding which one sucks less and which one gives me the most peace. I mean seriously, don't get any treatment and keep my fingers crossed that my cancer never rears its ugly head again or allow someone to put poison in my body and lose my most favorite asset, my hair? No one should have to make these kind of decisions in their lives. My heart truly, truly goes out to ANYONE who has to make life changing, life altering choices. This is one of the aspects of life I will never understand as long as I live.
Thank you for your prayers for my complete healing, no more complications whatsoever and that I will be guided by God and not "people".
Kelley
Well, on Monday I got the drain tubes out and they told me there was a possibility that fluid would still build up and they would have to drain it out with a needle. Last night, I realized that is exactly what is happening. PLEASE pray that my lymphatic system would naturally drain this fluid the way it is supposed to and that this will be no big deal. I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 and I just really hope to go in and be tons better with NO problems.
This just really makes me upset. I am still not completely healed up on either side and now this. I will not be able to move forward with my reconstruction until I am healed. I know God is my healer, so I need him to heal me!!!!
Also, my appointment with the medical oncologist is on Friday afternoon. The final test result will be in that shows how likely it is cancer will recur in the next 10 years. Pretty amazing that they even have this test now. I'm praying the numbers are really low but ultimately, I want God's will to be done. It is amazing how many people want me TO have chemo. Then there are others who say whatever you do, DON'T have chemo. None of these being in the medical field. I realize that there is only one person walking in my shoes right now and that is me. Which is frightening because I would love for someone else to walk in them just for a moment and then offer me advice and try to make my decisions for me.
Only I will know how God is leading ME. Only I will know where I feel the most peace. At this point, if they recommend Chemo I will do it because of fear that the cancer will return. If I decide to NOT get Chemo, it will be out of fear of the treatment itself. It seems like every decision in this process sucks big time. Really, there isn't a decision that doesn't completely suck, it is just deciding which one sucks less and which one gives me the most peace. I mean seriously, don't get any treatment and keep my fingers crossed that my cancer never rears its ugly head again or allow someone to put poison in my body and lose my most favorite asset, my hair? No one should have to make these kind of decisions in their lives. My heart truly, truly goes out to ANYONE who has to make life changing, life altering choices. This is one of the aspects of life I will never understand as long as I live.
Thank you for your prayers for my complete healing, no more complications whatsoever and that I will be guided by God and not "people".
Kelley
Monday, June 7, 2010
Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!
Kelley says...........
YIPPEE, YIPPEE!!!! I just got home from the doctor's office. I got to get my last two drain tubes removed!! I am so extremely excited. I feel like a free person again. I know, I know, they already warned me not to overdo it because I will pay for it. But, I learned my lesson the first two times I did that. So, I am definitely not going to do that again. But I am just so happy. It hurt pretty bad getting the one on the right side removed but it didn't last long. I still can't believe I endured those things for 20 whole days.
But anyway, this is a happy, happy day for me!!!! I don't think I could have made it one more day living with those things without hurting someone!
Kelley
YIPPEE, YIPPEE!!!! I just got home from the doctor's office. I got to get my last two drain tubes removed!! I am so extremely excited. I feel like a free person again. I know, I know, they already warned me not to overdo it because I will pay for it. But, I learned my lesson the first two times I did that. So, I am definitely not going to do that again. But I am just so happy. It hurt pretty bad getting the one on the right side removed but it didn't last long. I still can't believe I endured those things for 20 whole days.
But anyway, this is a happy, happy day for me!!!! I don't think I could have made it one more day living with those things without hurting someone!
Kelley
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Curiosity
Kelley says..................
I guess since my mother had a mastectomy I am more informed about this than most people. I didn't really think about this before. But I am finding that so many people really have no idea the details of what having a mastectomy really means. I am guessing people are pretty curious about what has really happened to me. So I thought I would just try to explain it the best I can. There are so many different surgeries. But what I had was a simple bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.
The day before my surgery, I had to go see my plastic surgeon. I went in and he took a purple sharpie and marked up my breasts in the exact places so he could know exactly where he wanted the skin to be removed. Basically, they remove a section from the middle including the nipple and then go in and remove all the fat and cells that they possibly can not only in the breast but up to the collar bone, under the arms and back around the sides. If you hugged yourself real tight, where your hands would be is what I am talking about when I say back around the sides. This is why I am so sore in many different places. When they removed the skin from my breast area, they cut nerves so I do not have a lot of feeling in that particular area. However, I do have feeling in all the other places.
They also removed lymph nodes which were clear of any cancer! The lymph nodes are the first place cancer spreads. Our lymph nodes are what helps fight off infection among many other things. Since I have had some removed, I can never again have blood taken from my right arm or my blood pressure taken from that arm. I have to be extra careful not to cut or injure myself on my right arm as well.
After the breast surgeon was done with all of the above, the plastic surgeon came in and put in tissue expanders beneath the skin and pectoral muscle. It is kind of like a saline implant with hardly any saline inside. Once I am healed up from the surgery, I will get a little more saline put in. This way, my skin can stretch and grow slowly over time. I will go in every few weeks to have more saline put in. Then, I will have to go in for a second surgery which will be day surgery to have the tissue expanders removed and silicone put in. Then, I will be done with reconstruction. Unless of course I want to get nipple reconstruction and I really don't know when that will be done, if it will be during or after. But, I am not worried about that right now. The complete process will take up to one year.
That is all I can think of to tell you. But you are always welcome to ask me any questions you like. I hope one day all this information will help other women and their families and friends to be better prepared for what is happening to themselves and their loved one. Really, as far as the pain goes, I don't think it would be too terrible if it weren't for the drain tubes. Which I still have two of by the way!!!! And I am officially SICK AND TIRED of them!!!! But I am SO keeping my fingers crossed that I will get them out next week. I will be so glad when they come out so I can wear some normal clothes and not look pregnant anymore. Of course the holes where the other ones came out just now are almost healed up. So, it takes a while for holes in your body to heal obviously! But, I am ready to get on with this.
I did have a slight break down again today. I am guessing that this must be normal because it seems to happen about every 5 days. I think when I get a glimpse of my new reality, when I realize how my life will truly never ever be the way it was, that is when it is the hardest. And with these drains in, there are just so many things that I am limited to doing. I mean, they just hurt and are uncomfortable. The more I heal everywhere else, the more I feel them there. Besides the fact that I can literally feel the tissue expanders inside there which is a totally and completely GROSS feeling. When I bend over to try and pick something up I can feel something too. Can't really explain it though or think of anything that would help give you an idea of what I am talking about. Just trust me when I say it is a yucky feeling.
Well, I hope you feel more informed. I am happy to share this info with you.
Kelley
I guess since my mother had a mastectomy I am more informed about this than most people. I didn't really think about this before. But I am finding that so many people really have no idea the details of what having a mastectomy really means. I am guessing people are pretty curious about what has really happened to me. So I thought I would just try to explain it the best I can. There are so many different surgeries. But what I had was a simple bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.
The day before my surgery, I had to go see my plastic surgeon. I went in and he took a purple sharpie and marked up my breasts in the exact places so he could know exactly where he wanted the skin to be removed. Basically, they remove a section from the middle including the nipple and then go in and remove all the fat and cells that they possibly can not only in the breast but up to the collar bone, under the arms and back around the sides. If you hugged yourself real tight, where your hands would be is what I am talking about when I say back around the sides. This is why I am so sore in many different places. When they removed the skin from my breast area, they cut nerves so I do not have a lot of feeling in that particular area. However, I do have feeling in all the other places.
They also removed lymph nodes which were clear of any cancer! The lymph nodes are the first place cancer spreads. Our lymph nodes are what helps fight off infection among many other things. Since I have had some removed, I can never again have blood taken from my right arm or my blood pressure taken from that arm. I have to be extra careful not to cut or injure myself on my right arm as well.
After the breast surgeon was done with all of the above, the plastic surgeon came in and put in tissue expanders beneath the skin and pectoral muscle. It is kind of like a saline implant with hardly any saline inside. Once I am healed up from the surgery, I will get a little more saline put in. This way, my skin can stretch and grow slowly over time. I will go in every few weeks to have more saline put in. Then, I will have to go in for a second surgery which will be day surgery to have the tissue expanders removed and silicone put in. Then, I will be done with reconstruction. Unless of course I want to get nipple reconstruction and I really don't know when that will be done, if it will be during or after. But, I am not worried about that right now. The complete process will take up to one year.
That is all I can think of to tell you. But you are always welcome to ask me any questions you like. I hope one day all this information will help other women and their families and friends to be better prepared for what is happening to themselves and their loved one. Really, as far as the pain goes, I don't think it would be too terrible if it weren't for the drain tubes. Which I still have two of by the way!!!! And I am officially SICK AND TIRED of them!!!! But I am SO keeping my fingers crossed that I will get them out next week. I will be so glad when they come out so I can wear some normal clothes and not look pregnant anymore. Of course the holes where the other ones came out just now are almost healed up. So, it takes a while for holes in your body to heal obviously! But, I am ready to get on with this.
I did have a slight break down again today. I am guessing that this must be normal because it seems to happen about every 5 days. I think when I get a glimpse of my new reality, when I realize how my life will truly never ever be the way it was, that is when it is the hardest. And with these drains in, there are just so many things that I am limited to doing. I mean, they just hurt and are uncomfortable. The more I heal everywhere else, the more I feel them there. Besides the fact that I can literally feel the tissue expanders inside there which is a totally and completely GROSS feeling. When I bend over to try and pick something up I can feel something too. Can't really explain it though or think of anything that would help give you an idea of what I am talking about. Just trust me when I say it is a yucky feeling.
Well, I hope you feel more informed. I am happy to share this info with you.
Kelley
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Caregiving and The Booby Fairy
Deryl says....I can't believe it has been a week since I posted last. It has been a whirlwind of a week. After Kelley's sister left all the caregiving fell to me. I have loved being able to demonstrate my love to Kelley. It is just overwhelming to realize how much needs to be done. Not just the caregiving part but that plus the house, the girls, and work. I don't know what I would have done if people weren't bringing meals everyday. And thank you to everyone who has brought meals to us. You have made this much easier for us.
It has been nice to see Kelley get better and more independent everyday. That light in her eyes gets brighter and brighter. It is great because she has had some moments of fear, frustration and pain. It is easy to listen and try to calm her fears or vent her frustrations. But man, watching her suffer in pain. That is the worst part of this by far. To know your loved one is hurting and not being able to do anything about it is tough. You feel helpless and out of control. That is not a fun place to be. But fortunately as she gets better those memories fade quickly. The joy of getting drain tubes out or finding out that a complication is getting better replaces those old negative thoughts.
Watching Kelley become more of the wonderful person she is has been very charming. One of the greatest moments this week happened when I was in bed asleep. It was early in the morning. I felt this tapping on my leg. I thought one of the girls was trying to wake me up. I rolled over ready to answer the tap with a grumpy "What?!" when I saw that it was Kelley. She had crawled in to bed just so she could lay next to me because we have not laid next to one another since she had surgery. What I want you to realize is that this was no easy task for her and if she had not been able to wake me up there was no way she could have gotten back up on her own. I know it was painful and it was a risk for her to crawl up next to me. I could have rolled over in my sleep and hit her in a spot that could have caused her even more pain. That is why it was such a sweet gesture and meant so much to me.
When Kelley's sister was here helping it was easier. I almost thought "this is all there is to it?". Kelley was doing well. She didn't seem to be suffering nearly as much as I thought she would. Everything seemed to be getting done fairly easily. Then Kelley started taking less pain medication and trying to do more. And then Pam left and was no longer here to help. Then I was in my second week of not sleeping through the night so I could make sure Kelley took her medication And when Kelley tried to do more it would cause her pain. And that is when feelings of overwhelm would crop up. Which is unusual because it is not something I am used to feeling. But wondering how everything that needs to be done is going to get done has been just more overwhelming than I expected. You have to decide what you are going to let go of and what you are going to do because there is just no way to get it all done. Thankfully, we have been blessed with great family and friends who have been helping as much as they can. I don't know how people do this without the help of others. It could really drive someone off the deep end if they didn't have the kind of support we had. And Kelley being such a good and thoughtful patient also makes it so much easier.
Kelly makes it as funny as possible. She keeps talking about when the booby fairy will visit. The other day we were watching the TV and there was a lady on in a bikini who must have had good boobs because Kelley yelled "Deryl look! I want those right there." Unfortunately I missed it but we laughed about how before she probably would have done something to take my attention away from the TV so I wouldn't see them and now she is yelling at me to look. My how life changes.
It has been nice to see Kelley get better and more independent everyday. That light in her eyes gets brighter and brighter. It is great because she has had some moments of fear, frustration and pain. It is easy to listen and try to calm her fears or vent her frustrations. But man, watching her suffer in pain. That is the worst part of this by far. To know your loved one is hurting and not being able to do anything about it is tough. You feel helpless and out of control. That is not a fun place to be. But fortunately as she gets better those memories fade quickly. The joy of getting drain tubes out or finding out that a complication is getting better replaces those old negative thoughts.
Watching Kelley become more of the wonderful person she is has been very charming. One of the greatest moments this week happened when I was in bed asleep. It was early in the morning. I felt this tapping on my leg. I thought one of the girls was trying to wake me up. I rolled over ready to answer the tap with a grumpy "What?!" when I saw that it was Kelley. She had crawled in to bed just so she could lay next to me because we have not laid next to one another since she had surgery. What I want you to realize is that this was no easy task for her and if she had not been able to wake me up there was no way she could have gotten back up on her own. I know it was painful and it was a risk for her to crawl up next to me. I could have rolled over in my sleep and hit her in a spot that could have caused her even more pain. That is why it was such a sweet gesture and meant so much to me.
When Kelley's sister was here helping it was easier. I almost thought "this is all there is to it?". Kelley was doing well. She didn't seem to be suffering nearly as much as I thought she would. Everything seemed to be getting done fairly easily. Then Kelley started taking less pain medication and trying to do more. And then Pam left and was no longer here to help. Then I was in my second week of not sleeping through the night so I could make sure Kelley took her medication And when Kelley tried to do more it would cause her pain. And that is when feelings of overwhelm would crop up. Which is unusual because it is not something I am used to feeling. But wondering how everything that needs to be done is going to get done has been just more overwhelming than I expected. You have to decide what you are going to let go of and what you are going to do because there is just no way to get it all done. Thankfully, we have been blessed with great family and friends who have been helping as much as they can. I don't know how people do this without the help of others. It could really drive someone off the deep end if they didn't have the kind of support we had. And Kelley being such a good and thoughtful patient also makes it so much easier.
Kelly makes it as funny as possible. She keeps talking about when the booby fairy will visit. The other day we were watching the TV and there was a lady on in a bikini who must have had good boobs because Kelley yelled "Deryl look! I want those right there." Unfortunately I missed it but we laughed about how before she probably would have done something to take my attention away from the TV so I wouldn't see them and now she is yelling at me to look. My how life changes.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Smile
I have heard the song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker many times. I was listening to my MP3 player the day I went in to the hospital and right before my first procedure I "really" listened to it. I listened to all the words. Every word was how I feel about Deryl. They were about to wheel me away and I handed my MP3 player to Deryl and told him to listen to it, that it was my new song to him.
Oh how I wish I could find a way to get paid to love him. I would make so much money. He is my everything. I am beyond blessed that he is my husband. I have never done anything in my entire life to deserve him. He is complete greatness. Before this new journey in my life I didn't think there was any way possible for me to love him more. But I do. We love spending every waking moment together but I cherish him so much. I am honored to be his wife and the mother of his children. And above all, we are very best friends. We know things about each other that no other soul on this planet knows! And yet we still love and respect one another.
So, I wanted to share the song with all of you. You can listen along if you like, I posted the song in the top left corner of my blog. Let me know what you think!
"SMILE" by Uncle Kracker Lyrics
You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
June 1st Doctor Appointment
Kelley says.............
Went to Dr. Kunkel yesterday and he said he thought that the red places on both sides were looking so much better! What wonderful news to hear. Unfortunately, they didn't take out any drains. But I am really hoping they will be out this week or by Monday at the latest. I was also released to drive!! YIPEE!!
Dr. Chow's office called and let me know that my appointment with the medical oncologist has been set for June 7th at 2:00. This is the appointment where my treatment plan will be decided. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted on the latest.
Prayer request.............I still want to ask you to pray that I will not have any complications and that the pain will subside. I still don't want to have to go through any treatment but God knows what is best for my future. So I just ask that you pray that God will give every doctor involved wisdom on the best treatment plan for me.
Thanks!
Went to Dr. Kunkel yesterday and he said he thought that the red places on both sides were looking so much better! What wonderful news to hear. Unfortunately, they didn't take out any drains. But I am really hoping they will be out this week or by Monday at the latest. I was also released to drive!! YIPEE!!
Dr. Chow's office called and let me know that my appointment with the medical oncologist has been set for June 7th at 2:00. This is the appointment where my treatment plan will be decided. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted on the latest.
Prayer request.............I still want to ask you to pray that I will not have any complications and that the pain will subside. I still don't want to have to go through any treatment but God knows what is best for my future. So I just ask that you pray that God will give every doctor involved wisdom on the best treatment plan for me.
Thanks!
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