I came across a blog and just fell in love with this woman's attitude and perspective. SO reminds me of myself. A strong, tough woman who has probably been through her share of what life tends to throw at you but decided to dust herself off, get up and conquer the world!!
I hope you enjoy it! She is a breast cancer survivor as well. Let me know what you think!!
http://stupiddumbbreastcancer.blogspot.com/2013/11/im-sorry-did-i-order-mastectomy.html
Friday, November 29, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The attempt before the attempt...Part 2
I sat up and there was total and complete darkness. There was absolutely NO light. I was so afraid but I didn't have time to be frightened. I needed to get to some light. When I moved, I realized I was inside something but had no idea what. I frantically searched for my phone so I would have some light. The phone was no where to be found. I kept thinking to myself that I just HAD to get out of there. I tried to stand up and I felt a bunch of nails dig into my back. I was so afraid that I sat back down and then laid down. I guess I fell back to sleep and I have no idea what happened until I woke up again and the exact same thing happened. This time I felt my pants rip down the side. Again, I laid back down. I'm not sure how much time went by but by the time I woke again, I was determined to get out of this room, this place, no matter what it took to get out. By now I realize I am in a long cardboard box, like a wardrobe box. The way I was in it was like I was in a coffin.
Finally, I decide that I have no other choice but to fight through the pain from the nails and just get myself out of there. I was so confused and so disoriented. I couldn't understand why I was in this room alone in my pajamas. I couldn't understand why I was there alone and why no one was there helping me. I stood up fast and the nails ripped through the back of my shirt and skin. OUCH!!!! My pants leg ripped some more, I fell on my knees several times very hard and now my knee was hurting. I have no idea how but I found a wall and started feeling around in the complete darkness. I felt a light switch, turned it on, then opened the door. I was still at my office in that big, huge house.
Once I saw the light I immediately just went down to the room that was my office and saw my phone. When I picked up my phone, I had over 100 missed calls and text messages!! I was wondering what in the world could possibly be going on?!?!?!?!?! The first text I read was from my mother-in-law and I just quickly replied..."I'm fine". Then, I called my all time greatest breast cancer buddy who had been there for me and my family from the get go. I was just like..."Hey, what in the hell is going on. I've got tons of missed calls and texts, I don't get it". She said, "Kelley, do you know what day it is"? I said, "Yeah, it's Wednesday". She said, "Kelley, it is Thursday and you have been missing for two days. The police are looking for you and they even have your car and license plate number on the signs on the highway as a missing person".
WHAT?!?!?!?!? She tells me not to go anywhere and that she was on the way. My husband calls me and tells me he's coming up there and I said you better not or I will leave right now. I do NOT want to see you AT ALL. So he didn't come.
My friend showed up in minutes. She must have FLOWN down the road to get there. I look in the mirror and my pants are totally ripped and almost my entire leg is exposed. My knee is bleeding and all scratched up and scratches are all over my back. Before she could really even start telling me anything the police show up and an ambulance. We are all sitting there and the lead cop was a COMPLETE jerk. I am explaining to them what happened and that the Ambien I took must have been too much and I must have fallen asleep and then did stuff in my sleep while on the Ambien. Honestly, I was surprised that would happen because I have an extremely high tolerance and to me that just wasn't a whole lot of medicine considering what I had taken several nights in a row to sleep and it was fine although I didn't sleep at all.
It was right about this time that I looked over and saw my friend looking through my make up bag because I had already told her I put all my medication in there the night before. Well, one by one she pulls out each bottle and they are ALL empty. It was at this point that I knew 100% that I must have taken them when I was in my Ambien sleep. It all made sense why I ended up in the attic in a box in a dark room where I couldn't escape. Actually, I was relieved to now understand what had happened. However.....
Everyone in the room now believed that I had tried to commit suicide and was that I was lying about it. This is where I was totally hurt by people I looked up to, admired, trusted, believed in and thought they totally believed in me, church leaders, friends, people who knew me on a very deep level for quite some time. Now, the cop insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out.
When I got to the hospital, my husband went home and took a nap!!!! How could you do that if your spouse had been missing for two days and potentially somewhere dead and you just find out she is alive and could possibly be messed up from all the medication?!?!? It was then and there that confirmed for me that he had completely changed and I had NO idea who he was anymore or who he had become.
When I got home from the hospital and with some people, to this very day, I was treated as though I had attempted suicide and no one gave me the benefit of the doubt, no one bothered to think about me as a person and my character and all they knew about me as a believer, nothing. I was guilty until proven innocent and put on trial by a group of leaders and their spouses and they sentenced me by shunning and excluding me. I have been hurt by the church many times but never to this level. I mean, I was banned. I couldn't work, I couldn't get on Facebook, I couldn't blog, it was totally as if I had tried to kill myself and this was my punishment. It was as if what they believed was just completely true and I had to comply. Well, that is just not who I am.
I can take a lot from people. But one thing anyone who truly knows about me is that I am honest to a fault. If I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. But tell me I am wrong or lying and I am not......It's not pretty. I hate judgement. When you judge another person you just put yourself in a place of superiority to the person you judge. YOU make yourself God. I was sent to a counselor who went and told what I shared with him in sessions to my pastor. And we are talking VERY intimate details I had never shared with another soul in my entire life. All of the sudden, the roles had completely changed and it was like Deryl was the good guy and I was the damn enemy.
There was actually someone who NEVER, EVER spoke to me again because they had just made up their mind that I had attempted suicide. WOW, what an awesome friend, huh? I mean, all I could think to myself was if I had really tried to kill myself, and this is how people were treating me, then these people didn't care about me to begin with. There wasn't anyone reaching out to help but rather to cover things up as quickly as possible, punish, dictate and rule me like a freakin' child.
To go into all the detail on this type of forum just wouldn't be right. But that is enough of the story to get the message across. And I must say that there was ONE friend who stuck by my side the entire time. She knew me just as well as the people....CHRISTIANS....who were treating me like I was 100% guilty. We went to lunch and I let her drill me and ask me anything she wanted. She listened with an open mind and without judgement. She had not already "sentenced" me in her head. She prayed about it before we met, while we were meeting and after. The end result is that she felt God had told her that I told her the truth and now she just had to believe me because she was my close friends and she had to let everything her and anyone else was saying go. We are still friends today. (Thank you Mamma Swig) There are a few people I do talk to on Facebook who were never really in the loop. Well, I'm sure they were in the Christian "I'll pray for you gossip train".
When this happened, I fell into a deep, dark depression. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. I was a complete emotional wreck. Some of our deepest hurts come from our parents and people in authority. Check, check and CHECK on those!!
I spent the following close to two years sinking deeper and deeper and I didn't even realize what was happening. My husband was a completely different man than I had known him to be for almost 20 years. He treated me terrible. All of this was what led up to my post titled "I am a suicide survivor".
Finally, I decide that I have no other choice but to fight through the pain from the nails and just get myself out of there. I was so confused and so disoriented. I couldn't understand why I was in this room alone in my pajamas. I couldn't understand why I was there alone and why no one was there helping me. I stood up fast and the nails ripped through the back of my shirt and skin. OUCH!!!! My pants leg ripped some more, I fell on my knees several times very hard and now my knee was hurting. I have no idea how but I found a wall and started feeling around in the complete darkness. I felt a light switch, turned it on, then opened the door. I was still at my office in that big, huge house.
Once I saw the light I immediately just went down to the room that was my office and saw my phone. When I picked up my phone, I had over 100 missed calls and text messages!! I was wondering what in the world could possibly be going on?!?!?!?!?! The first text I read was from my mother-in-law and I just quickly replied..."I'm fine". Then, I called my all time greatest breast cancer buddy who had been there for me and my family from the get go. I was just like..."Hey, what in the hell is going on. I've got tons of missed calls and texts, I don't get it". She said, "Kelley, do you know what day it is"? I said, "Yeah, it's Wednesday". She said, "Kelley, it is Thursday and you have been missing for two days. The police are looking for you and they even have your car and license plate number on the signs on the highway as a missing person".
WHAT?!?!?!?!? She tells me not to go anywhere and that she was on the way. My husband calls me and tells me he's coming up there and I said you better not or I will leave right now. I do NOT want to see you AT ALL. So he didn't come.
My friend showed up in minutes. She must have FLOWN down the road to get there. I look in the mirror and my pants are totally ripped and almost my entire leg is exposed. My knee is bleeding and all scratched up and scratches are all over my back. Before she could really even start telling me anything the police show up and an ambulance. We are all sitting there and the lead cop was a COMPLETE jerk. I am explaining to them what happened and that the Ambien I took must have been too much and I must have fallen asleep and then did stuff in my sleep while on the Ambien. Honestly, I was surprised that would happen because I have an extremely high tolerance and to me that just wasn't a whole lot of medicine considering what I had taken several nights in a row to sleep and it was fine although I didn't sleep at all.
It was right about this time that I looked over and saw my friend looking through my make up bag because I had already told her I put all my medication in there the night before. Well, one by one she pulls out each bottle and they are ALL empty. It was at this point that I knew 100% that I must have taken them when I was in my Ambien sleep. It all made sense why I ended up in the attic in a box in a dark room where I couldn't escape. Actually, I was relieved to now understand what had happened. However.....
Everyone in the room now believed that I had tried to commit suicide and was that I was lying about it. This is where I was totally hurt by people I looked up to, admired, trusted, believed in and thought they totally believed in me, church leaders, friends, people who knew me on a very deep level for quite some time. Now, the cop insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out.
When I got to the hospital, my husband went home and took a nap!!!! How could you do that if your spouse had been missing for two days and potentially somewhere dead and you just find out she is alive and could possibly be messed up from all the medication?!?!? It was then and there that confirmed for me that he had completely changed and I had NO idea who he was anymore or who he had become.
When I got home from the hospital and with some people, to this very day, I was treated as though I had attempted suicide and no one gave me the benefit of the doubt, no one bothered to think about me as a person and my character and all they knew about me as a believer, nothing. I was guilty until proven innocent and put on trial by a group of leaders and their spouses and they sentenced me by shunning and excluding me. I have been hurt by the church many times but never to this level. I mean, I was banned. I couldn't work, I couldn't get on Facebook, I couldn't blog, it was totally as if I had tried to kill myself and this was my punishment. It was as if what they believed was just completely true and I had to comply. Well, that is just not who I am.
I can take a lot from people. But one thing anyone who truly knows about me is that I am honest to a fault. If I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. But tell me I am wrong or lying and I am not......It's not pretty. I hate judgement. When you judge another person you just put yourself in a place of superiority to the person you judge. YOU make yourself God. I was sent to a counselor who went and told what I shared with him in sessions to my pastor. And we are talking VERY intimate details I had never shared with another soul in my entire life. All of the sudden, the roles had completely changed and it was like Deryl was the good guy and I was the damn enemy.
There was actually someone who NEVER, EVER spoke to me again because they had just made up their mind that I had attempted suicide. WOW, what an awesome friend, huh? I mean, all I could think to myself was if I had really tried to kill myself, and this is how people were treating me, then these people didn't care about me to begin with. There wasn't anyone reaching out to help but rather to cover things up as quickly as possible, punish, dictate and rule me like a freakin' child.
To go into all the detail on this type of forum just wouldn't be right. But that is enough of the story to get the message across. And I must say that there was ONE friend who stuck by my side the entire time. She knew me just as well as the people....CHRISTIANS....who were treating me like I was 100% guilty. We went to lunch and I let her drill me and ask me anything she wanted. She listened with an open mind and without judgement. She had not already "sentenced" me in her head. She prayed about it before we met, while we were meeting and after. The end result is that she felt God had told her that I told her the truth and now she just had to believe me because she was my close friends and she had to let everything her and anyone else was saying go. We are still friends today. (Thank you Mamma Swig) There are a few people I do talk to on Facebook who were never really in the loop. Well, I'm sure they were in the Christian "I'll pray for you gossip train".
When this happened, I fell into a deep, dark depression. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. I was a complete emotional wreck. Some of our deepest hurts come from our parents and people in authority. Check, check and CHECK on those!!
I spent the following close to two years sinking deeper and deeper and I didn't even realize what was happening. My husband was a completely different man than I had known him to be for almost 20 years. He treated me terrible. All of this was what led up to my post titled "I am a suicide survivor".
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The attempt before the attempt...Part One
I had just had a chemotherapy treatment. I was tired, I was bald, I was sick of cancer and all that it brought. I wanted to just get out of the house and my husband wanted to go look around at the store so that was perfect. We were walking around and he wants to go look at underwear. Mind you, he had been wearing the same kind of underwear for close to 20 years. He starts looking at these different kinds and my immediate question was why are you looking at those? His response was..."Oh, just thought I'd try something different".
Something in my heart sank. But only briefly because I guess I was in complete denial. I was fighting for my life, having treatments, getting blood drawn every week, surgeries, etc. That was my total focus. When more and more things that just didn't add up started happening, there was just no more denying it.
I finished all my treatments.
I questioned him on some of his behavior and he became completely mute. We had a church staff party to go to that day and we did indeed go and he did not speak to me one single time. This was not the kind of marriage we had. This was something that had never, ever before happened. Complete silence. No talking whatsoever, absolutely NO communication AT ALL.
The next morning he told me it was just really frustrating that I was starting to accuse him of things and he proceeded to tell me that it must be because of the chemotherapy and that not having my breasts anymore must make me insecure so I in turn don't trust him. Well, it made perfect sense at the time.
I proceeded to cry and ask for his forgiveness. I went immediately to my computer to write a blog post. I poured out my heart and told the story and how awful I felt for accusing him and even told what had happened the day before and totally praised him for the awesome incredible care taker he appeared to be. I then showed him the blog and asked him to read it before I posted it and he did and said it was really good.
Day after day it became more and more apparent that there was definitely some infidelity going on. I got up in the middle of the night, got his phone and started looking and searching. Because it was a Blackberry, I had no idea how to use it. When I couldn't find anything or really figure it out, I put it back and went back in the living room. I sat on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. I cried out to God and just said why are you letting me discern that something is so wrong but yet not leading me to what it is? At that very moment, I realized that I had looked through all of his e-mails and deleted e-mails but never looked in his trash folder. I went to that folder and my life was completely altered forever.
I can't explain it though I have tried many, many times. I sat there with stubble on my head from my hair starting to come back in, with scarred up breasts, no nipples, 30 pounds over weight from all the steroids I had been on and shock is the only word I can think of although completely traumatized is probably a better description. I can honestly say that I literally felt something happen in my body. Something, although I do not know for sure what, happened within me that night. I was changed. I was later told that it was PTSD.
I hired a private investigator and was on a mission now to find out what all was going on and more importantly, for how long. I had asked a friend (well, I thought they were a friend) to talk to him about all of this. I told this person that I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was just numb, dumbfounded, totally shocked. That night, he did in fact talk to him. Now keep in mind that from the moment I looked in that trash folder, my knight in shining armor husband turned into someone I had NEVER before seen. I did not know this person. I did not like this person. This person was angry, hostile, mean, cruel, appeared to have not one single ounce of remorse, not one ounce of love for me, he basically did not give a shit about anyone but himself.
Did I mention that I was in complete shock!?!? He came home after having this discussion with my "friend" and didn't say a word. I asked him if he was going to tell me about the conversation and he didn't say one damn word...not one. He just got in bed, turned out the light and went to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!
Since all the suspicion started, I had not been sleeping at all. I already had terrible insomnia and had probably at this point only had about 10 hours sleep in a seven day period. Days before, I had taken an Ambien that didn't work, then another, then another and still could not sleep at all. So, I went in my bathroom, got my make-up bag, scooped any and all medication off the bathroom counter and dropped it in my bag. I grabbed my keys and left my purse and everything else there at the house. I took off and went to my job which happened to be in a large home. I knew I would be alone. I grabbed all the medicine because I was in such a hurry and so mad that I didn't want to have to look through to find the ones I wanted so I just grabbed them all.
I got in my car and I was shaking I was so mad. I immediately thought to myself, I am going to go to work, back my car in the garage so no one knows I'm here, keep my car running, barely crack the windows and be done with this life. And that is what I did. After a minute or so I suddenly became very afraid. I thought to myself what in the hell are you thinking!! You can't leave these kids with this monster that he has become. You can't leave them without their mom like you have endured. I shut off the car and went inside. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I went and looked in the mirror and just looked at myself and wondered what in the world is happening to me. My life had just been tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now this? I started talking sense to myself and I realized that I was thinking crazy because I had not had any sleep. I prayed and prayed and sought The Lord. I was so glad he caused me to realize that this was because I was completely exhausted. I just needed sleep.
Since I had taken three Ambien to no avail, I took a Xanax and I think it was 5 Ambien and some Benedryl, I think. I know you probably think that is insane but I went days with absolutely no sleep. I was in a state that I just couldn't and even still can't describe. All I knew was that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a clear head and try to face the new day in the morning. I anticipated that I would wake up very early and go back home and no one would even realize I had been gone.
I crawled under a desk. I know it sounds odd, even crazy, but I curled up in a ball like a child. That was how I felt. I didn't have a mother or a father that I could call. But I could call on God. I asked for forgiveness for even thinking such crazy thoughts and literally begged God to please let me sleep. What happened next is really unknown by anyone.
I think this blog is long enough and it is making me very sad remembering the events that followed. So stay tuned for the rest of the story...
Something in my heart sank. But only briefly because I guess I was in complete denial. I was fighting for my life, having treatments, getting blood drawn every week, surgeries, etc. That was my total focus. When more and more things that just didn't add up started happening, there was just no more denying it.
I finished all my treatments.
Not long after, I felt so strongly in my spirit that something was terribly, terribly wrong.
I questioned him on some of his behavior and he became completely mute. We had a church staff party to go to that day and we did indeed go and he did not speak to me one single time. This was not the kind of marriage we had. This was something that had never, ever before happened. Complete silence. No talking whatsoever, absolutely NO communication AT ALL.
The next morning he told me it was just really frustrating that I was starting to accuse him of things and he proceeded to tell me that it must be because of the chemotherapy and that not having my breasts anymore must make me insecure so I in turn don't trust him. Well, it made perfect sense at the time.
I proceeded to cry and ask for his forgiveness. I went immediately to my computer to write a blog post. I poured out my heart and told the story and how awful I felt for accusing him and even told what had happened the day before and totally praised him for the awesome incredible care taker he appeared to be. I then showed him the blog and asked him to read it before I posted it and he did and said it was really good.
Day after day it became more and more apparent that there was definitely some infidelity going on. I got up in the middle of the night, got his phone and started looking and searching. Because it was a Blackberry, I had no idea how to use it. When I couldn't find anything or really figure it out, I put it back and went back in the living room. I sat on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. I cried out to God and just said why are you letting me discern that something is so wrong but yet not leading me to what it is? At that very moment, I realized that I had looked through all of his e-mails and deleted e-mails but never looked in his trash folder. I went to that folder and my life was completely altered forever.
I had just opened Pandora's box.
I can't explain it though I have tried many, many times. I sat there with stubble on my head from my hair starting to come back in, with scarred up breasts, no nipples, 30 pounds over weight from all the steroids I had been on and shock is the only word I can think of although completely traumatized is probably a better description. I can honestly say that I literally felt something happen in my body. Something, although I do not know for sure what, happened within me that night. I was changed. I was later told that it was PTSD.
I hired a private investigator and was on a mission now to find out what all was going on and more importantly, for how long. I had asked a friend (well, I thought they were a friend) to talk to him about all of this. I told this person that I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was just numb, dumbfounded, totally shocked. That night, he did in fact talk to him. Now keep in mind that from the moment I looked in that trash folder, my knight in shining armor husband turned into someone I had NEVER before seen. I did not know this person. I did not like this person. This person was angry, hostile, mean, cruel, appeared to have not one single ounce of remorse, not one ounce of love for me, he basically did not give a shit about anyone but himself.
Did I mention that I was in complete shock!?!? He came home after having this discussion with my "friend" and didn't say a word. I asked him if he was going to tell me about the conversation and he didn't say one damn word...not one. He just got in bed, turned out the light and went to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!
Since all the suspicion started, I had not been sleeping at all. I already had terrible insomnia and had probably at this point only had about 10 hours sleep in a seven day period. Days before, I had taken an Ambien that didn't work, then another, then another and still could not sleep at all. So, I went in my bathroom, got my make-up bag, scooped any and all medication off the bathroom counter and dropped it in my bag. I grabbed my keys and left my purse and everything else there at the house. I took off and went to my job which happened to be in a large home. I knew I would be alone. I grabbed all the medicine because I was in such a hurry and so mad that I didn't want to have to look through to find the ones I wanted so I just grabbed them all.
I got in my car and I was shaking I was so mad. I immediately thought to myself, I am going to go to work, back my car in the garage so no one knows I'm here, keep my car running, barely crack the windows and be done with this life. And that is what I did. After a minute or so I suddenly became very afraid. I thought to myself what in the hell are you thinking!! You can't leave these kids with this monster that he has become. You can't leave them without their mom like you have endured. I shut off the car and went inside. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I went and looked in the mirror and just looked at myself and wondered what in the world is happening to me. My life had just been tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now this? I started talking sense to myself and I realized that I was thinking crazy because I had not had any sleep. I prayed and prayed and sought The Lord. I was so glad he caused me to realize that this was because I was completely exhausted. I just needed sleep.
Since I had taken three Ambien to no avail, I took a Xanax and I think it was 5 Ambien and some Benedryl, I think. I know you probably think that is insane but I went days with absolutely no sleep. I was in a state that I just couldn't and even still can't describe. All I knew was that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a clear head and try to face the new day in the morning. I anticipated that I would wake up very early and go back home and no one would even realize I had been gone.
I crawled under a desk. I know it sounds odd, even crazy, but I curled up in a ball like a child. That was how I felt. I didn't have a mother or a father that I could call. But I could call on God. I asked for forgiveness for even thinking such crazy thoughts and literally begged God to please let me sleep. What happened next is really unknown by anyone.
I think this blog is long enough and it is making me very sad remembering the events that followed. So stay tuned for the rest of the story...
Friday, November 1, 2013
Behind the smile...
The picture above was at a time in my life when I struggled with suicidal thoughts on a weekly basis. But look how happy I looked!! THIS is one of the MAIN reasons I do what I do with this blog. This is why I am so frank and real in my posts and desire for all my readers to share my blog. Because let me tell you, there are countless others wearing that pretty smile each and every single day but behind that smile, they deal with very dark thoughts, very REAL thoughts, very scary thoughts.
I feel as though I can't explain this to you and do it any justice but I'll do my best. First, let me just say that I truly believe that the majority of people have thought about suicide at least once or twice in their lives. But usually, it is just a passing, fleeting thought and once some time passes and whatever they were upset about has passed they are totally fine and that is that. This was me for years and years.
I seriously thought about it but honestly, I was 100% sure that I would never, ever actually do it. It is kind of like eating one cookie when you are on a diet but you really want to eat four or five more. You don't because you know you shouldn't but you did still think about it. Once you walk away from the cookies you don't even think about it again at that moment until your are around fresh baked cookies again.
I AM GOING TO WRITE THE REST OF THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT IS HOW SERIOUS...HOW EXTREMELY IMPORTANT WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY IS. FOR YEARS WHEN I MYSELF STRUGGLED WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND I KNEW I WOULD NEVER DO IT I WAS COMPLETELY IN DENIAL AND A COMPLETE HYPOCRITE WHEN IT CAME TO SUICIDAL PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. I LOST MY MOM WHEN I WAS 23 AND TO THIS DAY IT JUST TOTALLY SUCKS TO HAVE LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT MY MOM. I WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER IN A MILLION YEARS INTENTIONALLY LEAVE MY GIRLS WITHOUT THEIR MOMMA...EVER!!
SO WHEN I HEARD ABOUT SOMEONE WHO HAD ATTEMPTED SUICIDE OR WAS SUCCESSFUL, I AND MANY OTHERS WOULD ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SAY THE EXACT SAME THING.
"WELL, THAT IS JUST THE MOST SELFISH THING A PERSON COULD DO. THEY JUST TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT"
THEN PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET ANGRY WITH THE SUICIDAL PERSON. LET ME TELL YOU FRANKLY THAT I BELIEVE THERE IS NO TELLING HOW MANY PEOPLE WHO HAD A FAILED ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE AND HAVE GONE ON TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT BECAUSE OF THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE TREATED THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR PRIOR ATTEMPT. WHAT I THINK PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW FAR DOWN A SPIRAL THE PERSON HAS GONE LONG BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THE ATTEMPT. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT NO ONE JUST "WANTS" TO GO AND KILL THEMSELVES. NO ONE!!
WHEN I LOOK BACK ON THE MONTHS LEADING UP TO "THE" DAY, I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHEN I WENT FROM HAVING THOUGHTS ABOUT SUICIDE TO HAVING A "PLAN" TO COMMIT SUICIDE. SO MANY PEOPLE LOOK AT PORN TO DEAL WITH LIFE, PEOPLE DRINK AND DO DRUGS TO COPE, THOSE SAME PEOPLE A LOT OF THE TIME GO ON TO NOT JUST DO THOSE THINGS BUT BECOME COMPLETELY ADDICTED TO THEM AND BECOME SOMEONE UNRECOGNIZABLE TO PEOPLE THEY KNOW AND LOVE. NOTHING DIFFERENT WITH SUICIDAL PEOPLE.
BECAUSE OF HOW SOCIETY TREATS PEOPLE WHO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL OR FAILED ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE, A LOT OF US KEEP THE DEEP DARK SECRET TO OURSELVES. SO WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT YOU SEE EVERYONE OUT THERE AS KIND OF LIKE THE ENEMY. THE FURTHER DOWN THE SPIRAL YOU GET, THE MORE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST CAN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT. I WAS IN COUNSELING FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE MY ATTEMPT. I COULDN'T EVEN TELL THE COUNSELOR.
MY MISSION IS TO USE MY BLOG TO REACH OUT TO THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THIS PLACE IN THEIR LIVES. I AM ASKING YOU TO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL, A LINK IN TWITTER, E-MAIL, TEXT, ANY WAY YOU CAN. PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE AND NEVER EVEN KNOW IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO IN YOUR FRIENDS LIST COULD BE DEALING WITH THIS RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT. THAT IS WHY I POSTED THE PICTURE OF ME IN THIS POST SO YOU COULD HAVE A PRIME EXAMPLE OF WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
NOW I WANT TO WRAP UP THIS POST BY SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ANY OF YOU READING THIS POST THAT IS READING THIS AND RELATING TO EVERY WORD. I AM NOT A COUNSELOR, I AM A LIFE COACH THOUGH. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, BUT WHAT I DO HAVE IS LIFE-LONG EXPERIENCE WITH THIS. I WILL GO INTO DETAIL IN A LATER POST BUT I WAS ONLY MINUTES FROM DEATH WHEN I ATTEMPTED. I WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT AND NOT EXPECTED AT ALL TO MAKE IT. I FIRMLY BELIEVE GOD SAVED ME SO I CAN IN TURN HELP SAVE YOU, THE VERY PERSON READING THIS. IF YOU GO BACK TO MY POST "I AM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR" MY CONTACT INFO IS AT THE END OF THE POST. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU. AND YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT BE "BOTHERING" ME. AND YOU CAN BE TOTALLY ANONYMOUS IF YOU LIKE.
I HOPE THIS POST HELPS THOSE WHO ARE NOT SUICIDAL AND DON'T STRUGGLE WITH THIS UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT MORE AND WILL CONTINUE TO READ MY BLOG FOR AN EVEN GREATER UNDERSTANDING
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Be very, very careful what you wish for...
I was 13 years old. My mom was driving me to see someone....some kind of doctor but it was at night after she got off work. I really wasn't exactly sure where or why we were going. She explained that we were going to see a psychologist. Thinking back to this night now as an adult, I remember thinking this really wasn't a big deal. I remember this particular night like it just happened. I remember the parking lot, the elevator to get to the guys office, the office, a nice little pond with a little waterfall, and even exactly what he looked like.
Seems like I only went 5 or so times. I remember wondering what in the world would cause my mom to want to take me to this person when I didn't like to talk to people anyway. The guy was nice. It didn't seem like "counseling". It just seemed like having normal conversation with someone. Well, at the end of my sessions, he informed my mom that my problems, whatever they were, had everything to do with my father abandoning me and my pretty much non-existent relationship with him.
Fast forward about 20 plus years or so and I am having a conversation with my sister who is 10 years older than I am. For some reason, we got on the subject of that time in my life that I went to that counselor. I started telling her that I never really understood why mom took me to see that guy. At which point she informed me about the entire story to which I still do this day have absolutely NO memory of whatsoever.
When I was about twelve...maybe thirteen, I had a diary. I wrote in it all the time. It was like my only friend really...my escape from the real world. I remember the diary very well. My sister told me that my mom had found my diary and read it. And that in that diary I had entries regarding wanting to commit suicide. Again, I have zero memory of this to this very day. SO, that was the reason my mom took me to a counselor. And I guess she didn't want me to know she had read my diary.
So, I guess that is where it all started. It is my belief that suicide is a spirit. A very dark and evil spirit. I remember when I was 17 years old when I lost my son who was four months old to sudden infant death syndrome. I wanted to take my life then. I was just barely seventeen. I was a baby myself for crying out loud! Obviously, I didn't take my own life at that time nor did I try to. But what I did do is start a long, long battle of abusing alcohol and drugs and the lifestyle that came with it. That was my coping mechanism.
My mom died six years after I lost my son. I stopped doing drugs when she died but started drinking very heavily. By the end of that year, I had given my life to the Lord. Once I quit using completely and gave up drinking, I was then faced with a clear mind for the first time in years and years. So, I had to then deal with these terrible losses that I had been covering up with substance and alcohol abuse among various other things.
The emotional pain was so, so very deep. It was like I had just lost my son and my mom all over again only at the same exact time. It was horrendous. It was at this time that suicide had started rearing its ugly head again. I have always been the type of person who says what she means and means what she says. It has always got on my very last nerve to hear people "threaten" suicide because I always thought it was for attention and if someone was really going to do it they just would. So therefore, it was a lifelong secret. The VERY LAST thing I wanted was attention. What I wanted was a way out. I really didn't ever want to end my life, I just wanted to end my pain.
I did tell a pastor's wife what I was dealing with once when I went up to the alter for prayer. My oldest was just a baby. But I was convinced that life and every single person in my life would be better without me in it. She prayed over me and was actually pretty stern with me. I'm not sure that was the right way she should have handled it but I seriously doubt that she had any idea at all how serious the problem was. But, the prayer she spoke over me really helped me a lot. The thoughts subsided and didn't haunt me for many years afterwards.
I would say that it was my go to "way out" in life. When things go wrong in a persons life they always....100% of the time will DO something. They might go immediately to a friend or family member or straight to God. They might cry or get angry. Maybe they go have some drinks at a bar to just not think about it for a while. Or maybe they pop some pills and pull the covers over their heads. Whatever it might be, we all do something. It might be healthy and most likely it is my guess that we ALL have a tendency to do something that isn't quite as healthy. My thing was to secretly contemplate taking my life. Not in a way that I would EVER really do such a thing or act on it in any way whatsoever. But somehow, it provided me with some relief. I know its crazy but just thinking about it made me feel like I had some options...something I could be in control of and do as a very last resort yet knowing deep inside I wouldn't ever do it but that it was somehow a coping mechanism that worked for me.
I know that it will take many, many posts to share all that I have held within being too afraid to tell. But God has released me. So, over a series of many posts, I will share with you my life. The good. The bad. And the extremely ugly.
I had these thoughts randomly throughout my whole life. I never told anyone the depth of my problem. I think mainly because I really and truly did not think that I would ever go through with it and it would just be stupid to tell someone something and worry them over something that was really never going to happen.
In 2009, my husband lost his job. I was completely terrified. Things were absolutely terrible. I worked for a church and I oversaw many large events with lots of pastors. After those events, we would always have leftover food. Literally, that food fed my family on many occasions. I would go up and clean out the fridge at my job and rather than throw out any expired food, I would take it home so we could eat something. Shortly after this, we had to get food stamps because things were just getting way too bad.
During this time the suicidal thoughts started to darken my mind again. But we made it through. God provided, we weren't late on any bill and we ended up being okay. But the thoughts didn't leave. I was already in a very dark place mentally. And I was sinking daily. My husband got a job and things were better financially but I had already turned a corner in my thought life.
I remember on this particular day in April of 2010. I was having a particularly bad day emotionally. I remember this like it just happened moments ago. My husband was at work. The girls were at school. I cannot remember exactly what I was upset about but I went and laid down on my bed. The house was totally spotless. My bed was all made up. I laid down and just looked up at the ceiling as tears started rolling down my cheeks. One, then another, then another. The thoughts overtook my mind. They overshadowed all other thoughts. I thought of my mom that had died of cancer and as I thought on that and cried some more. More thoughts came. The thoughts so suddenly, so quickly took a turn and became very, very dark. I looked up at the ceiling and I said these very words...
I'll let you chew on that for a few days before getting into my next post....................
Seems like I only went 5 or so times. I remember wondering what in the world would cause my mom to want to take me to this person when I didn't like to talk to people anyway. The guy was nice. It didn't seem like "counseling". It just seemed like having normal conversation with someone. Well, at the end of my sessions, he informed my mom that my problems, whatever they were, had everything to do with my father abandoning me and my pretty much non-existent relationship with him.
Fast forward about 20 plus years or so and I am having a conversation with my sister who is 10 years older than I am. For some reason, we got on the subject of that time in my life that I went to that counselor. I started telling her that I never really understood why mom took me to see that guy. At which point she informed me about the entire story to which I still do this day have absolutely NO memory of whatsoever.
When I was about twelve...maybe thirteen, I had a diary. I wrote in it all the time. It was like my only friend really...my escape from the real world. I remember the diary very well. My sister told me that my mom had found my diary and read it. And that in that diary I had entries regarding wanting to commit suicide. Again, I have zero memory of this to this very day. SO, that was the reason my mom took me to a counselor. And I guess she didn't want me to know she had read my diary.
So, I guess that is where it all started. It is my belief that suicide is a spirit. A very dark and evil spirit. I remember when I was 17 years old when I lost my son who was four months old to sudden infant death syndrome. I wanted to take my life then. I was just barely seventeen. I was a baby myself for crying out loud! Obviously, I didn't take my own life at that time nor did I try to. But what I did do is start a long, long battle of abusing alcohol and drugs and the lifestyle that came with it. That was my coping mechanism.
My mom died six years after I lost my son. I stopped doing drugs when she died but started drinking very heavily. By the end of that year, I had given my life to the Lord. Once I quit using completely and gave up drinking, I was then faced with a clear mind for the first time in years and years. So, I had to then deal with these terrible losses that I had been covering up with substance and alcohol abuse among various other things.
The emotional pain was so, so very deep. It was like I had just lost my son and my mom all over again only at the same exact time. It was horrendous. It was at this time that suicide had started rearing its ugly head again. I have always been the type of person who says what she means and means what she says. It has always got on my very last nerve to hear people "threaten" suicide because I always thought it was for attention and if someone was really going to do it they just would. So therefore, it was a lifelong secret. The VERY LAST thing I wanted was attention. What I wanted was a way out. I really didn't ever want to end my life, I just wanted to end my pain.
I did tell a pastor's wife what I was dealing with once when I went up to the alter for prayer. My oldest was just a baby. But I was convinced that life and every single person in my life would be better without me in it. She prayed over me and was actually pretty stern with me. I'm not sure that was the right way she should have handled it but I seriously doubt that she had any idea at all how serious the problem was. But, the prayer she spoke over me really helped me a lot. The thoughts subsided and didn't haunt me for many years afterwards.
I would say that it was my go to "way out" in life. When things go wrong in a persons life they always....100% of the time will DO something. They might go immediately to a friend or family member or straight to God. They might cry or get angry. Maybe they go have some drinks at a bar to just not think about it for a while. Or maybe they pop some pills and pull the covers over their heads. Whatever it might be, we all do something. It might be healthy and most likely it is my guess that we ALL have a tendency to do something that isn't quite as healthy. My thing was to secretly contemplate taking my life. Not in a way that I would EVER really do such a thing or act on it in any way whatsoever. But somehow, it provided me with some relief. I know its crazy but just thinking about it made me feel like I had some options...something I could be in control of and do as a very last resort yet knowing deep inside I wouldn't ever do it but that it was somehow a coping mechanism that worked for me.
I know that it will take many, many posts to share all that I have held within being too afraid to tell. But God has released me. So, over a series of many posts, I will share with you my life. The good. The bad. And the extremely ugly.
I had these thoughts randomly throughout my whole life. I never told anyone the depth of my problem. I think mainly because I really and truly did not think that I would ever go through with it and it would just be stupid to tell someone something and worry them over something that was really never going to happen.
In 2009, my husband lost his job. I was completely terrified. Things were absolutely terrible. I worked for a church and I oversaw many large events with lots of pastors. After those events, we would always have leftover food. Literally, that food fed my family on many occasions. I would go up and clean out the fridge at my job and rather than throw out any expired food, I would take it home so we could eat something. Shortly after this, we had to get food stamps because things were just getting way too bad.
During this time the suicidal thoughts started to darken my mind again. But we made it through. God provided, we weren't late on any bill and we ended up being okay. But the thoughts didn't leave. I was already in a very dark place mentally. And I was sinking daily. My husband got a job and things were better financially but I had already turned a corner in my thought life.
I remember on this particular day in April of 2010. I was having a particularly bad day emotionally. I remember this like it just happened moments ago. My husband was at work. The girls were at school. I cannot remember exactly what I was upset about but I went and laid down on my bed. The house was totally spotless. My bed was all made up. I laid down and just looked up at the ceiling as tears started rolling down my cheeks. One, then another, then another. The thoughts overtook my mind. They overshadowed all other thoughts. I thought of my mom that had died of cancer and as I thought on that and cried some more. More thoughts came. The thoughts so suddenly, so quickly took a turn and became very, very dark. I looked up at the ceiling and I said these very words...
"God please. Please, please, please just let me get cancer and die. Please God! Just take my life and let me go".
The VERY next day, I RANDOMLY did a self-exam in the shower for the very first time in my entire life. And within less than seven days later, I had a mammogram, a sonogram, a biopsy and was diagnosed with cancer.
I'll let you chew on that for a few days before getting into my next post....................
I......AM A SUICIDE..... SURVIVOR
I wondered when this day would finally come. I've known for a very, very long time it would. I've been waiting on the Lord to direct me as to when the timing was right to tell this story. There is just no way possible to tell it in one post. As most of you know, I will indeed be writing a book about my life and you will just have to get all the details in sequential order then. But this is the most recent event....
When I discovered after my last chemo treatment in October, 2010...with no hair and no boobs...that my husband had been screwing around and doing SO many unmentionables, something within my entire being changed. I cannot even explain it. But I felt something. There was some kind of shift in my mind and I literally felt it. I would never ever be the same again.
We immediately went to counseling and the counselor turned around and told every private thing I had shared with him to my pastor. ONE, the pastor listened....TWO....it was completely UNETHICAL for a therapist to do so. I should have sued his ass for all I could but that is just not my heart. I decided to leave vengeance to the Lord. I heard repeatedly that everyone just wanted "what was best for me". But ya know, NO ONE knows what is best for me except ME and MY GOD....PERIOD!! The rest of that story is several more blogs in itself.
After finding out about the infidelity that occurred while I was fighting for my life, I was stuck.....totally stuck. Because of some other life events that will be told in my book, I didn't have a job, my husband got miraculously transferred to another state with a great company and so the kid's and I packed up and went with him. Oh, I knew he was a sorry dog but like I said, I was totally stuck with no choices. We left and we spent the next two years in counseling.
I discerned very strongly that he had not changed a bit. He was a person that was completely and totally 100% unrecognizable to me, my children and absolutely ANYONE who knew him. His beliefs were completely out of whack and I don't think he even knew what he believed and I to this very day know for a fact that he STILL has no idea what his beliefs are. What I do know is that the enemy has him under his control.
During the two years of counseling, every single week that went by was complete torture. I wanted SO desperately to believe that he felt true remorse for all the shit he had put me and the kids through. That just never, ever happened. He just grew more distant, he became an even bigger jerk, more heartless, more cruel, on and on. Over time I felt so strongly in my spirit that he had not changed a bit. I just knew he was worse than ever before. To make a VERY long story a little shorter, I discovered some lies that he had told and that was the last straw.
The more I realized that he was still lying and cheating the more depressed I got. I honestly had no idea how depressed I was or how deep the spiral I was on was taking me. The only way to describe it is that I was NOT me anymore and I was living 100% in a deep, dark, terrible depression. It was 24/7, it was a living hell, it was a nightmare that was so intense that I was completely incapable of telling anyone else. I knew there was no way in hell that anyone could understand or know what in the world to do to help me. All I wanted was to end my life.....forever.....period.
When I heard how Whitney Houston died, the thought of overdosing and drowning became my suicide plan. If you have never been suicidal, this won't make a bit of sense to you. But I believe it will make a whole hell of a lot of sense to more people than not. So, I made my plan. I was on lots of medication at the time. I somehow within myself knew that it was only a matter of time before the truth came out about my husband of nearly 20 damn years. And sure enough, it did. I discovered that absolutely nothing had changed. He had even been trying to get a married woman who was a mom of a friend of my daughters to come to my house while me and the girls were out of town celebrating New Years!! I didn't know this at the time but I felt it SO VERY strongly in my gut that I wouldn't even answer his call if he called me because I just somehow KNEW he was doing these deceitful things and I couldn't cope. The only way I could cope was to continue my plan. To map it all out in my head as my way of escape.....I was in complete despair and my suicide plan was the only thing that brought me hope.
I came back from visiting family for the New Year 2013 and on Jan 4th, what I thought was happening was revealed and confirmed. All the lies were starting to unfold. He left the house with the girls and went to the mall. As soon as they were out of sight I hauled it to the package store and purchased Tequila, Ever-clear and margarita mix. I came home and made me the stiffest drink known to man and filled up my bathtub. I got out all of my pills and started swallowing them by the handfuls. Sick as it might sound, I was happy. I was ready and I was anxious to go and ready to take off out of this life. I took them all, I put on my worship music, I asked God to forgive me and for His will to be done and I got in the extremely full bathtub. I put my head down in the water where only my nose was exposed. My hope was to pass out and drown. And never, ever, ever breathe again.
Unfortunately, my freakin' implants made me float after I was totally passed out from all the meds. Something (God, I'm sure) made Heather think something was really wrong and her and Deryl came home to check on me. Deryl found me not breathing and blue with foam coming out of my mouth. I'm sure if he would have found me alone, he would have let me die. But Heather was there and he called 911 and the ambulance came. This my friends will be the start of my reality in a story form to you. Nothing but the real, raw and total truth. Some may not be able to stomach it for lack better words.
However, after this experience I know without a shadow of a doubt that these words could cost me. These blog posts could cost me potential jobs....potential new business. But one thing I know is that GOD wants me to help people who feel this way and I will do that and continue to do that as long as he tells me to and gives me peace in doing so.
Stay tuned for the rest of the story. If you can relate to this story, please trust me when I say that there is hope for you. I still struggle but will share with you what has helped me. This is a scary topic that no one wants to face. There are resources out there for those who have lost someone to suicide but not near enough for those of us struggling to make it through the next 5 minutes.
You can call me.....you can text me....you can e-mail or message me. THIS is part of my calling. To help you whether I know you personally or not. And you are NOT reading this blog by accident my friend!!
This blog was the absolute hardest blog for me to write....I am scared to even push "Publish"... but I KNOW that lives will be touched AND saved. And that makes it ALL worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do hope you will start "following" my blog and in-boxing me some encouragement so I know this was the right thing for me to do. I desperately want to hear from you. I am a safe person. And I long to hear your stories. kelley@feelthetatas.com and 404-617-4825.....text me ANYTIME at all.
Kelley
When I discovered after my last chemo treatment in October, 2010...with no hair and no boobs...that my husband had been screwing around and doing SO many unmentionables, something within my entire being changed. I cannot even explain it. But I felt something. There was some kind of shift in my mind and I literally felt it. I would never ever be the same again.
We immediately went to counseling and the counselor turned around and told every private thing I had shared with him to my pastor. ONE, the pastor listened....TWO....it was completely UNETHICAL for a therapist to do so. I should have sued his ass for all I could but that is just not my heart. I decided to leave vengeance to the Lord. I heard repeatedly that everyone just wanted "what was best for me". But ya know, NO ONE knows what is best for me except ME and MY GOD....PERIOD!! The rest of that story is several more blogs in itself.
After finding out about the infidelity that occurred while I was fighting for my life, I was stuck.....totally stuck. Because of some other life events that will be told in my book, I didn't have a job, my husband got miraculously transferred to another state with a great company and so the kid's and I packed up and went with him. Oh, I knew he was a sorry dog but like I said, I was totally stuck with no choices. We left and we spent the next two years in counseling.
I discerned very strongly that he had not changed a bit. He was a person that was completely and totally 100% unrecognizable to me, my children and absolutely ANYONE who knew him. His beliefs were completely out of whack and I don't think he even knew what he believed and I to this very day know for a fact that he STILL has no idea what his beliefs are. What I do know is that the enemy has him under his control.
During the two years of counseling, every single week that went by was complete torture. I wanted SO desperately to believe that he felt true remorse for all the shit he had put me and the kids through. That just never, ever happened. He just grew more distant, he became an even bigger jerk, more heartless, more cruel, on and on. Over time I felt so strongly in my spirit that he had not changed a bit. I just knew he was worse than ever before. To make a VERY long story a little shorter, I discovered some lies that he had told and that was the last straw.
The more I realized that he was still lying and cheating the more depressed I got. I honestly had no idea how depressed I was or how deep the spiral I was on was taking me. The only way to describe it is that I was NOT me anymore and I was living 100% in a deep, dark, terrible depression. It was 24/7, it was a living hell, it was a nightmare that was so intense that I was completely incapable of telling anyone else. I knew there was no way in hell that anyone could understand or know what in the world to do to help me. All I wanted was to end my life.....forever.....period.
When I heard how Whitney Houston died, the thought of overdosing and drowning became my suicide plan. If you have never been suicidal, this won't make a bit of sense to you. But I believe it will make a whole hell of a lot of sense to more people than not. So, I made my plan. I was on lots of medication at the time. I somehow within myself knew that it was only a matter of time before the truth came out about my husband of nearly 20 damn years. And sure enough, it did. I discovered that absolutely nothing had changed. He had even been trying to get a married woman who was a mom of a friend of my daughters to come to my house while me and the girls were out of town celebrating New Years!! I didn't know this at the time but I felt it SO VERY strongly in my gut that I wouldn't even answer his call if he called me because I just somehow KNEW he was doing these deceitful things and I couldn't cope. The only way I could cope was to continue my plan. To map it all out in my head as my way of escape.....I was in complete despair and my suicide plan was the only thing that brought me hope.
I came back from visiting family for the New Year 2013 and on Jan 4th, what I thought was happening was revealed and confirmed. All the lies were starting to unfold. He left the house with the girls and went to the mall. As soon as they were out of sight I hauled it to the package store and purchased Tequila, Ever-clear and margarita mix. I came home and made me the stiffest drink known to man and filled up my bathtub. I got out all of my pills and started swallowing them by the handfuls. Sick as it might sound, I was happy. I was ready and I was anxious to go and ready to take off out of this life. I took them all, I put on my worship music, I asked God to forgive me and for His will to be done and I got in the extremely full bathtub. I put my head down in the water where only my nose was exposed. My hope was to pass out and drown. And never, ever, ever breathe again.
Unfortunately, my freakin' implants made me float after I was totally passed out from all the meds. Something (God, I'm sure) made Heather think something was really wrong and her and Deryl came home to check on me. Deryl found me not breathing and blue with foam coming out of my mouth. I'm sure if he would have found me alone, he would have let me die. But Heather was there and he called 911 and the ambulance came. This my friends will be the start of my reality in a story form to you. Nothing but the real, raw and total truth. Some may not be able to stomach it for lack better words.
However, after this experience I know without a shadow of a doubt that these words could cost me. These blog posts could cost me potential jobs....potential new business. But one thing I know is that GOD wants me to help people who feel this way and I will do that and continue to do that as long as he tells me to and gives me peace in doing so.
Stay tuned for the rest of the story. If you can relate to this story, please trust me when I say that there is hope for you. I still struggle but will share with you what has helped me. This is a scary topic that no one wants to face. There are resources out there for those who have lost someone to suicide but not near enough for those of us struggling to make it through the next 5 minutes.
You can call me.....you can text me....you can e-mail or message me. THIS is part of my calling. To help you whether I know you personally or not. And you are NOT reading this blog by accident my friend!!
This blog was the absolute hardest blog for me to write....I am scared to even push "Publish"... but I KNOW that lives will be touched AND saved. And that makes it ALL worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do hope you will start "following" my blog and in-boxing me some encouragement so I know this was the right thing for me to do. I desperately want to hear from you. I am a safe person. And I long to hear your stories. kelley@feelthetatas.com and 404-617-4825.....text me ANYTIME at all.
Kelley
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Flaws run deep...
These photographs are of my 15 year old daughter taken by my 17 year old daughter for a college contest entry.This is my daughter's description of her project.
"Everyone strives for perfection but it is impossible, our flaws make us beautiful. Imperfection is beauty."
All I can say is.....WOW! Isn't that the truth ladies? We are constantly comparing ourselves to other women. We will then do anything and everything striving to be like what we think perfect should look like. And you know what? We fail every single time. Then, we fail bigger and bigger. Because we try harder and harder.
I used to lead a women's group and I always said that absolutely ANYONE who we think is perfect is striving to be like someone else.I don't care if that person is Miss America or the President of the United States of America....we all struggle with insecurities, feeling inadequate, feeling inferior to others, always trying to be like someone else.
Think of someone you know who admires you. What do they admire about you? Focus on those qualities and make them as awesome as possible! Then, think about who YOU admire. What do you admire about them? Do you feel inferior to them? If so, why do you think that is? Contemplate your answers.
God made us each a very unique individual. He doesn't want you to be the next Joyce Meyer or the next Billy Graham. What He wants is for YOU to be the YOU He created you to be. The enemy doesn't want us to see our greatness, our full potential, our ability to take the stones that have been thrown at us in our lives and build a beautiful walk way to our destiny. Every single person reading this has a story. You may not think your story is much of a story but I can tell you from experience that we ALL have something that isn't for us....it is for someone else.
A lot of you who have been following me since my diagnosis know that I have had a life filled with trauma and tragedies. Honestly, I didn't think I would make it through the last couple of ones I have endured. But here I am. I look back and think to myself "How in the hell did I get through that?!"
I now have the ability to minister to and reach I believe, the thousands!! To live the rest of my life without telling my story would be to have not lived at all. It would be to let fear of what others might think, what they might say and how they might judge me dictate the ability my story has to change the world.
I would rather, through this blog, share with others what I have been through and what I have learned from it all than to die having kept those awesome revelations to myself. Tragedy is terrible and I wish it upon no one. But if you've already come out on the other side and you are still breathing...well, you have a personal responsibility, I believe, to share it with others! I do hope what I have learned in my life will help you understand that no matter what you are going through, you CAN and you WILL survive and make it through this. I have absolutely NO doubt in my mind.
Here's to greater tomorrows and plenty of them!!
Kelley
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