Taste

Kelley says............


Well, when everyone told me who had been through chemo before that I would have to make myself eat I just assumed they meant because I would be feeling too nauseated to eat. So, when I had my first treatment I was hardly nauseous at all and didn't have a hard time eating at all. I had cravings like I was pregnant and everything I craved was junk food. The bad taste in my mouth was bad but not too bad. As a matter of fact, if I ate something it actually gave me some relief from the bad taste.


This second round has been much different. From the very first day of my second treatment the taste in my mouth has been horrible!! Words can't even describe it. I have been a lot more queasy this time and having to take a lot of nausea medicine. The only thing I can eat that tastes normal is Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, Ice Cream and Biscuits and Gravy. All of which I absolutely love but I am feeling so unhealthy and gaining so much weight!! And the bad taste is always there. Not one thing I drink tastes good and I have tried everything! So yeah, the bad taste is just so yuck. I keep trying to remember that I am half-way done with all of this but it still seems so far away. I can't imagine having this awful taste in my mouth all the way until September!!


So my prayer requests are that this bad taste would go away and that I will NEVER again have to be stuck more than one time for blood or an IV EVER, EVER, EVER!!!!!!!

Bad Hair Days

Kelley says......


Well, bad hair days have a whole new meaning to me now. I guess every day is a bad hair day since I don't have any! That would be every woman's worst nightmare I guess, to wake up and look in the mirror and not have any hair. 


I don't know how many of you scrapbook or make cards but when I am working on either it really drives me crazy during the creating process. Let's say I am about to work on a scrapbook page. I get all the pictures out that I want to put on that page. Then, I lay them out a million different ways and try to decide what paper I want to use. Then I will try to figure out what layout I am thinking about using. Once I get this part figured out, that is only the beginning!! Then I have to decide how to bring it all together which is definitely the most frustrating part for me. Just something about it won't look right. I'll play around with it over and over and then suddenly I'll think of just the right added touches to put on it that makes it look just perfect and I love it!!


It is kind of like getting ready for a special date. You take your shower, put on your pretty lotion, put on your make-up, fix your hair real nice, spray on your favorite perfume and get dressed. When you look in the mirror you just don't look right, something is missing. You realize you have forgotten to put on any jewelry and when you put it on, it adds just the touch you were looking for and you feel amazing. I have been longing for that feeling. Only the finishing touch for me now is a scarf. Oh how I wish it was fixing my hair. I am great at fixing my hair and love doing it. It used to take me a long time to blow dry, curl or flat iron my hair but I never, ever complained about it. I really enjoyed it.

I just don't feel complete. Yesterday was just a sad day for me. I don't say any of this for anyone to feel sorry for me in ANY way whatsoever. I just always want to be real with how I am feeling so when women who come to my blog in the future who are going through or are about to go through this journey, they can get a real glimpse into what it is truly like. I am okay without having my hair. I guess as okay as anyone can be. I mean, it just is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but choose the attitude I have about it. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself. But at the most random times I see myself in a reflection and it bothers me. For some reason, when I see a glimpse of myself on accident it is just a reminder of what I am going through and how it still sometimes feels like a dream that I so wish I could awaken from. 


I want to feel pretty again. I know my hair doesn't define me so please don't take any of this wrong. This is just how I am feeling at this moment. I am a confident person the majority of the time! Anyway, it just amazes me how we get attached to things that are just "things". Hair will come back, my energy will come back, my normal taste buds will come back, heck....I'm even gonna get my boobs back. I've lost things that have no chance of ever, ever returning to me. So, I guess I will be thankful for the fact that a lot of what I have lost will return. And one thing I know for sure is that money can't buy the wisdom I have gained from this experience.

I Think Bald is Beautiful!

Deryl says......Kelley had her second round of chemo on Friday. It was a little rough because they had to stick her more than once to draw her blood and to put her IV in. To top it off I had to leave for work before she was done with chemo which stressed me out some. But it all wound up being okay. Kelley got tired more quickly this time and is having more hot flashes than before but other than that it has been good.
As you know Kelley shaved her hair off before it had a chance to fall out. Well it started falling out more this past week and and left her head kind of splotchy with bald spots. You could just pull the hair at any spot on her head and it just came right out. So Kelley has been trying to pull it out for a few days. Then she asked me to help her pull it out. The problem is her hair is so short it is hard to grab much. So we had to try tweezers. It worked well but it would take days to get it all out using that method. We didn't want to use a regular razor for fear of cuts and infections. So we decided to see what an electric razor would do. I shaved it as close as possible with the electric razor. It took a little while and Kelley said "can you believe we are doing this?". She said "before I didn't want my hair to come out and now I wish it would just all come out." As I am shaving and thinking about how strange it is to be doing this. I whisper into Kelley's ear "is it weird that this is turning me on?". Of course she laughed but she really is hot bald. And I really did enjoy feeling how smooth her skin was after it was shaved. I am watching her now as I blog and she is just rubbing her head. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I am done writing this.
It is strange how the things you can be so afraid of can turn into some of the most intimate moments of your life. I mean for her to trust me enough to allow me to do that. And the fact that I really felt closer to her at that moment is amazing. And that is where true excitement comes from in a relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without these intimate and loving moments away from the bedroom it is just a physical act. But it can be so much more than that if you will cultivate and notice these moments when they happen. You can create opportunities for intimacy with dates and such but the most intimate of moments are unplanned and cannot be planned. Because when your love for one another just bursts forth spontaneously it leaves no doubt that it came straight from your heart.

2 Down, 2 To Go

Kelley says...........


Well, unfortunately I ended up being there yesterday from 8:45 until after 2:00. The lady who was so awesome at drawing my blood transferred to a different facility and it took the new lady two times to get blood. Then the girl who does my IV who I just think is so awesome took two times to get the IV in!! But after not getting blood the first time I started getting nervous which made my veins disappear even worse which made it harder to get the IV in. So that took a while.


Deryl couldn't stay the whole time because he had a meeting to go to. I could tell he was stressing with all that was going on with the blood draw and the IV and I know he hated leaving me. But I had my awesome breast cancer friend there with me and everyone always thinks we are sisters, cracks me up. She told me I should take a nap and I was like I don't even know how people sleep in this place. Machines beeping all the time, people talking, the television is on, I can't sleep. Not two minutes later I was totally out of it slobber running down my mouth and snoring!!!! Can you say embarrassing! Oh well, it was great to take a nap. 


While I was there I handed out some cards I had made up to advertise my blog. (If you want any, just let me know!) I got to meet the lady who is over all volunteers through the American Cancer Society as well as the lady who oversees the Reach to Recovery program. While I was getting chemo they were all already reading my blog and told me how much they want me to do some things there! I was so excited. They were all telling me how private people are when it comes to being diagnosed, especially with breast cancer. I have found the same thing to be true. It is funny because I had been praying for two days for God to really confirm some things to me. I want nothing more than his will for my life to be accomplished through this and I don't want to miss a thing. The very day I started praying this I booked my first speaking engagement. Within 2 days I had booked another one and landed another one as a volunteer speaker yesterday!! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. Other women are starting to contact me on my blog and I am able to help them. So much passion rises up within me just typing this out. 


I don't think I have been more passionate about anything in my entire life, EVER. I have realized that God has been preparing me all these years to do what I am doing right now. Not only to fight for my life and become a survivor but to help save others lives. And not just physically. But to save them spiritually and to help them get a new perspective, to find themselves and much, much more.


Just one more thing, uhhhh, hot flashes are a real bummer!!!!  :-)

2nd Round Tomorrow

Kelley says...........


Just wanting to let you all know my 2nd treatment is tomorrow. Please pray for a perfect blood draw and a perfect IV experience. Also, the steroids make me so cranky and continually hungry. I am gaining weight and DON'T like this! So, please remember me in your prayers. Oh yeah, and that my white blood cell counts don't crash this time!!!!

I had really bad stomach aches, headaches, problems with my asthma and a bad rash the first round. Believe with me that this won't be an issue this time. The oncologist is going to lower my dose some to see if that helps.
 

Thank you so much for your continued prayers.


Love,


Kelley

Random Things I Think I Think

Deryl says.........Kelley and I went to the North Texas Gilda's club last night. Gilda's Club is a community for cancer patients, their families, and survivors. It is named in honor of Gilda Radner of Saturday Night Live fame. We were invited by our friend Michael. Michael is the gentleman I mentioned in an earlier post that we met at Sing For the Cure and was wearing a pink suit, well really pink everything from head to toe. Michael is a breast cancer survivor himself and has stayed in contact with us ever since we met him. He has been a great source of encouragement and Kelley and I are both so glad he invited us last night. It was a meeting called Sisters but a few men were allowed. Cancer patients, caretakers, and survivors all took turns sharing there stories. It was emotional and inspiring and everyone was so positive and hopeful. Some were scared as well. We met a young lady who is having a mastectomy next week. She is only 28 years old. Michael told us about a girl who is 15 and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.
Kelley and I both shared some of our story with the group. We talked with many people after the meeting was over. When you listen to the stories you realize how precious life is and how radically it can change in a moment. Maybe that is why Jesus said "take no thought for tomorrow" to encourage us to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
I have learned so much about myself, my wife, my daughters, and others during this time. I thought it would be fun to list them here. So here are some thoughts I have about life:

• I love my wife more than I thought I ever could
• That God is the greatest comforter if you choose to let him
• That everyone is much stronger than they give themselves credit for
• That a cancer diagnosis only magnifies the type of relationship you have with your spouse whether good or bad
• That cancer does not care about your race, sex, social status, religious beliefs or anything else
• That we have higher rates of cancer today than in the past because overall we eat poor nutritionally, we don't exercise enough, we don't manage our stress well, and we take too much medication
• I don't think all of those things are the cause of cancer but I do thing they all contribute to it
• Heather and Rachel are more responsible and thoughtful than I realized
• That seemingly bad things happen to really nice people for no apparent reason
• That everything we think is bad is not always bad it just feels bad for awhile
• That you can discover your life's purpose in your darkest moments
• That you can still have fun and laugh even during a crisis
• That things can always get worse.....or better
• That you can turn scary moments into fun moments
• That the fear of most things are worse than the actual things themselves
• That I have yet to find a creature stronger than a single mother raising young children while fighting cancer
• That what is right for you is not necessarily for me and vice versa
• That judging people is pointless and if you knew the person's story you would probably feel compassion for them and feel guilty for judging them
• That people can say really silly things when they don't know what to say
• That most people are good and want to help
• That most women's biggest fear after a cancer diagnosis is losing their hair
• That I appreciate my family and friends more now than before
• That I wish I would have appreciated them more before
• That life is really good and worth the trouble it sometimes gives you
• That it is more gratifying to help someone than to be helped
• That doctors should be appreciated for their dedication and discipline to become good at what they do
• That doctors are humans and they cannot tell the future
• That we are all connected whether we know it or not
• That the greatest healer of all things is true divine love

You know people tell us all the time how we are handling this so well and how we are an inspiration. And we appreciate that people feel inspired by our story. I think the difference between us and many others going though this is that we are openly sharing our experience. But that is what works for us. There are many others that are equally strong and inspiring. They just do it quietly and share their experience with a select few. Neither one is better than the other. They are just different ways of handling life's opportunities. Everyone has the same spirit and strength within them. They only need to be awakened to it. Some one asked Kelley today if she would give this cancer and its treatment back if she were able and she said no for the same reason I would say no. We are both better people than we were before. We both have more compassionate and open hearts to others. We love more than we did before. You can only measure how well you understand a subject with a test. This is just our test to measure how much we understand what is really important in life. We have not scored an A+ but I feel that we are doing better than average. God is good and He loves us so immensely that we would be shocked and overwhelmed if we would take the time to quiet our minds and just allow ourselves to experience it. So many times we blame God for our bad choices or the bad choices of others. We get upset thinking He should have protected us or our loved one. The thing is, if I look back on my life honestly there were many times I felt a tug in my heart that I ignored. God was communicating to me but I didn't listen. I wonder how many times we all do that. You are all loved with such a great love. Kelley and I talk often about how fortunate we are to know so many of you. You are an encouragement to us and we hope that we can be as much of a blessing to you as you are to us.

Day 16

Kelley says..........


When I had Trish do all my different hair cuts, I decided to just get a buzz cut on the final shave instead of shaving it completely. I did that because I still wanted to know exactly what day my hair fell out. Last night I was making some cards and my scalp felt SO strange. I had heard from many people that that is what happens right before your hair comes out. I reached up and pulled my hair and it was all in my hands! That is when I went and showed Deryl. (see his most recent post for details on the funny story)


I wasn't upset at all. The only thing I could think about is how thankful I was that God gave me the idea to do the different cuts. It was SO much easier to handle. I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like had I not cut my hair first and then shaved it. The chemo nurse told me everyone's hair falls out in 2 - 14 days after their first treatment. Guess that just shows how stubborn I am!!!! I felt so very empowered that I chose when to cut and shave my hair. Finally something I could be in control of. 


Love,


Kelley