Girl please, you know your name is Jezebel!!

I may not be a lot of things but one thing I know for sure is that I am very self-aware. I enjoy reflecting on where I'm at and trying to seek The Lord on how I can be better in that area.

I was doing some of that reflecting earlier this week. A guy at work had been gone for a few days and the second me and co-worker saw him walk in, we didn't even say hello, we just started telling him what we needed. His response was, "Wow, so I don't even get an I miss you or anything? Y'all just want me to do stuff?"

Immediately at that very moment I realized that that was exactly what I did to my husband quite frequently. I'd go as far to say maybe over 70% of the time. 

Now that I am single, there are guys everywhere that are so flirty. And which ones are the worst offenders? All the married guys. I'm always interested in knowing why they do this. I know it's what my husband did and I know it's rampant in the workplace.

When posed this question, the answer is always the same. They say because they can just have a normal conversation and not have to talk about work and bills and stressful stuff AND that they feel like you care and are genuinely interested in what they are saying. 

That got me to thinking. And ya know, I could rip a guy to shreds over that kind of response. But you know what? Instead, I took it to heart. So if you are married, acknowledge your husband. Listen to what they say with your full attention, let them unwind and chill out for a little bit when they get home. 

Learn from my own mistakes, take it upon YOURSELF to step up and do the right thing without waiting for them to...just be the bigger person.

Don't be a hard headed beotch and wait until its too late to fix it. Don't let that ever controlling, manipulating, scheming, "Jezebel" side of you win!! Don't pay ALL your attention to everything their doing wrong, which could be a whole laundry list, but focus on YOUR part and do what YOU can do. Then, let God take care of the rest!!

When standards hurt

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a type A personality, I'm rough around the edges, I'm frank, I'm a perfectionist.....I think you get the picture.

But I'm also extremely self-aware and always looking on how I can improve. I have always set very high standards for myself. It is as if I reach them, they aren't high enough so I'll keep raising the bar for myself.

I haven't seen this as a negative thing but rather a challenge for myself. It's a way to strive for excellence in all areas I'm able to do so.

However, there is someone in my life right now that does this as well. With me being on the other end if this type person, I see that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to EVER meet their expectations and I know they too will never be able to meet them as well.

This situation has caused me great, great stress. And it's tough handling it as a single mom. I have wondered why God would put me in this situation. It doesn't seem fair and well, it's just very hard and very draining. 

I was driving to my friends house over the weekend and just thinking about how challenging it is to be around someone like this so much.

Clear as day, I heard The Lord say to me that that is exactly how my husband felt for over 19 years.....OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!!!!!!

I realized that is EXACTLY how I was/am. I didn't even realize it but I so see how there is nothing I can do in my current situation where I will ever be good enough. That had to have been how he felt for all those years.

That was a very hard pill to swallow. Of course, his standards weren't very high at all obviously. But, what it taught me is that it might be fine to set your own standards high and that's your business. But to expect others to also and then treat them as though they aren't a good person because they don't is unrealistic. 

I'm grateful God revealed this to me. I believe it will not only help me with others in my life but that this will help me as well to not be so hard on myself.

It's kind of like my Diet Coke addiction. You might not like Diet Coke. You may think it causes cancer and is terribly unhealthy for you. But that is YOUR conviction/feelings/opinion, not mine. 

So to "look down" on me for it or to even say anything at all is not your place. If you are a vegetarian, who am I to slight you for it in any way at all? That's what you believe and good for you for living a healthy lifestyle. But why would you get upset with "me" because I eat meat or me get upset with you because you don't?

So, I see that my convictions are just that. And for me to force them on someone else and hold them accountable in as an extreme way that I do myself is having a life that is out of balance. It is having completely unrealistic expectations and very unfair for the other person.

Although difficult, I am glad that I can see within myself areas I need to improve. So, instead of looking at this in a bad way, I just see it like it is. I truly do have high expectations for myself, and by being self-aware and discovering this about myself, I have met the expectations I have set for myself. 

Not only will my life be better because of it but so will countless others I come into contact with!! Thank you Lord for loving me enough to help me get better even when it's sometimes very hard to hear at first.

The best Mother's Day ever!

Where in the world do I start? I guess I'll start by telling you the miracle that happened to me and the girls on Mother's Day. We went over to my best friend's house and went to church with her. I know the pastor and his wife personally and adore both of them and their whole family.

At this time, I had been waking up each and every single morning scared to DEATH and shaking, for months. I had major panic attacks EVERY single day. Well, when I went to church that day, it was just exactly what I needed to hear. After the service I decided to go up for prayer. The pastor's son prayed for me first. Then the pastor's wife prayed for me. The strangest thing is that I really didn't feel anything or have any kind of "supernatural" experience.

When I had walked up for prayer, the girls were waiting for me in the pew. The pastor's wife spoke so many awesome things over me and said a really good prayer but I still didn't "feel" anything. When we were done and I went back to my seat, I realized that the girls had gone up for prayer as well! I turned around and they were crying, I was crying, it was just a big cry fest!! Rachel looked at me and said that this Mother's Day could have ended up very, very different had God not shown up on the scene of our lives. (more to come on that later)

The pastor prayed over the girls while he was holding onto them tight. He looked them both straight in the eyes and told them how awesome they are. He told them that it doesn't matter what their earthy father does at all because God loves them SO much and that HE will NEVER, EVER leave them or forsake them. From that day forward, every morning I would say out loud, "Thank you Lord for healing me, delivering me and for setting me free. From that day forward, all three of us have truly been set free. I guess we just had a divine "God" moment where we totally and completely felt his mercy, his grace and his overwhelming love for us.Since that day, not one of us have been the same.

Ya know, I know I have SO very much within me that I have yet to blog about out of fear of the whole world knowing my junk. But most of you here already know my junk! But, there is so much that makes "me" well.....ME. I know I have within me the ability to change people's lives in profound ways. I know I am supposed to leave an everlasting mark on this world. I know God is calling me to HUGE things. I'm just waiting. But sometimes I feel afraid for some reason. I think it is because I have known all these things for so long but now I feel in my spirit that its much closer than I thought to becoming a reality.

I know there are very many deep, deep areas that I can so relate to and minister to people about. My heart is truly, truly, truly for everyone reading this and so many others. There is NO way that I will let ANYTHING stop me from sharing my story and experiences with others. My heart is to help, encourage and give people hope. I'm finally on the other side of some things I couldn't for the life of me see ever getting any better. I was completely 100% hopeless. I was in the darkest place of my ENTIRE life and by just hanging on, I got to see and experience some amazing things.

I just want to say thank you for those of you who send me messages when I don't blog and you ask me to. I'm so, so, grateful and honored by that. Please know that you have my permission to contact me through my blog at ANY time. I'm here for you. You can send me a message anonymously if you need to. Share your stories with me. I'm just a person somewhere across the world that you don't even see. I truly want to help you. I know so many people struggle with MANY different things. It may be your finances, the loss of a loved one, problems in your marriage or difficult situations at work. It may even be deeper than that. It may be that you are at the end of your rope and think you cannot make it through the next 24 hours. Whatever...and I mean WHATEVER it may be, you can reach out to me. I desire so deep within me to let the things I have personally gone through to help others get through what they are going through. SO, hit me up! I'd love to hear from you. Really......I do!! And you won't be bothering me at all. I really helps me when I get to help others. Being able to help you takes my mind of of my own stuff.        

Will you do me a favor and share my blog with your friends? Thanks so much.                                                                                                                 

The down side...

One of the hardest days I've faced yet. Amazingly enough, I've cried a total of about 3 times since all this started in January.

I'm not going to lie. I'm afraid. I mean, in my ENTIRE 18 years of marriage I only worked full time for a little over a year. I didn't work outside the home for over 14 years at all.

Now, I am unemployed, single, scared, playing the role of mom AND dad, making all important decisions alone, taking care of my car and my daughters car alone, handling everything in my home alone, being there emotionally for my girls, wondering how I will ever get insurance again with all my pre-existing conditions, teaching both of the girls to drive, making what very little income I do have stretch from week to week hoping nothing goes wrong outside of gas and groceries, look for a job daily, struggle and fight with my own demons, try to keep a smile on my face and stay positive all at the same time.

I try my very best to wait to blog until my breakthroughs so I can always be an encouragement to you all. But the past three days have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I feel like I just have to be totally real. I know I am surely not the only person out there that has days where you just feel like your sinking and just wish God would throw you a few life-lines. Today is that day.

Praise Through the Pain

I hope this will encourage you today and every day the way it has for me. Whatever we are going through, we cannot give up hope.

In the beginning.....

Well, to start from the beginning, we met in a bar in December of 1993. My mom passed away in April of the same year. Neither one of us were saved. Both of us partied and lead pretty wild lifestyles. In April of 1994 I walked into a club one night and just looked around at the people. As I looked around it was like I saw them completely differently. I thought to myself how if I kept living this lifestyle, I would become just like them. I went to him and told him I was going to start going to church. Much to my surprise, since he didn't even believe in God, he said he would go with me.

We both went and within a matter of weeks we had both given our lives to the Lord and were attending church regularly. I knew about porn in his life when I met him. I am SUCH a black and white person. I guess even way back then that I just assumed that once you got saved, those sinful desires went away. We both immediately wanted to stop cussing, we quit drinking and partying, we totally changed all the friends we hung around. We changed EVERYTHING.....or so I thought.

One thing my mom always, always told me was that if a man will lie to you about something ridiculous you can bank on it that he will lie about the big stuff. We weren't even married yet and these little lies were already apparent. I should have listened to my gut then, however, I think everything happened the way it was supposed to. But anyway, the first time porn showed back up was when my oldest was 15 months old. I accidentally pushed some button on the keyboard of my computer (GOD!!!) and the entire history of any website viewed with the times, links and how much time was spent on each site, was on my computer screen. He later told me that God had been telling him to tell me the truth for weeks but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. I had a miscarriage in between my two girls. I had that miscarriage on my third wedding anniversary. As I went through all the info I had just discovered on the computer I realized that he had been viewing porn for quite some time. Pretty much from the moment we got the computer. But the first stab to my heart was when I discovered that he spent the whole evening and night of our anniversary and the death of my not 1st, but 2nd child to die, looking at pornography.

Looking back on all that has happened, I see that this should have been my very first sign of how porn/sex addiction can make a person. It is a totally and completely self-serving addiction that feeds the ego. And the ego always needs more and more and more. I can look back and see the lengths someone who is addicted will go through to get their sin. I just had NO earthly idea what I was in store for.

That story will continue in future posts but as for today and how we are doing....well, we are afraid. I still don't have a job. We have to be out of our house by May 1st and I try to not be gripped by fear. Monday mornings are absolutely terrible for me. I've been with the kids all weekend and have tried to pour into them and play the roles of mom and dad. Then Monday morning comes and I'm here all alone to think about the reality of what is known as "My life". But last night someone left a comment that was really encouraging. And it was by someone I have never even met. I thank God for people like that because if you follow my blog and are a faithful reader but I don't know you, I would never know how you felt. And it really does help me a lot. I know sometimes God uses other people to encourage us when we need it most.Then this morning I woke up and just heard myself saying "I'm so afraid, I'm just so afraid." When I realized what I was saying I just started saying out loud..."Do not be afraid!" I just said that out loud anytime any other thought crossed my mind that disagreed with that. And wow! It really helped me.

My goal is to just stay focused on this moment right now. Because right now I am healthy, the kids are healthy, we have clothes to wear, food to eat, a car to drive and a roof over our heads. Got to stay focused on the positive. I cannot, under any circumstances give up hope.

Feeding my OWN self!!

Well, things have been up and down for us. I'm so very grateful to have such a wonderful support system. I could never thank you enough and you know who you all are!

Please remember us in your prayers. The girls are suffering greatly emotionally. This is very hard for two teenagers and a wife who thought their life was better than anyone else's in regards to their relationship with one another for so, so many years. To say we are all in shock would be a huge understatement.

Although I have such a great support system and we wouldn't make it without their prayers and support, I have realized that "I" am responsible for my life and how the rest of it turns out.

What I'm trying to say is that friends and family can pray, they can encourage, they can visit and so on. But "I" have to make myself get up in the morning and I have to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world until all the dust settles.

I have to pray for us and get into God's word and dig deep until I dig my OWN self out if this pit. I have to force myself to get up and open all the blinds and let in the sunshine!! No one can do this for me. Oh how I wish they could but then I'd just go around this mountain probably a million times over.

Today, what I wrote above is what I did for myself. It took me 3.5 hours to get there but here I sit totally at peace with it all. Below are the verses that are helping me right now. I put them in my phone so I can have them at the ready. I hope they will minister to you as well.

Scriptures

Psalms 147:3
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.

John 14:18
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.

Ecc 10:4
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes.

Psalm 5:8
Lead me in the right path, O Lord...tell me clearly what to do, and show me which way to turn.

Psalm 10:17-18
Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so people can no longer terrify them.

Psalm 25:4-5
Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 32:8
I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

Proverbs 20:27
The Lord's light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive.

Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Psalm 34:19
The righteous face many troubles-but The Lord rescues them from each and every one.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:37
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Psalm 55:22
Give your burdens to The Lord,
and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Proverbs 3:6
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Joshua 1:9
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 3:20
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!