Complaints & Tears

Kelley says..............


My life before cancer did not consist of very many tears. I never have been much of a crier or a complainer. Actually, people who cry all the time and/or complain a lot tend to irritate me, or they used to anyway. It seems as though every single thing I have ever judged someone else for seems to happen to me. I guess you could say the scripture that has come to life in my own life is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" Matthew 7:1 (NIV)


Today I woke up in tears and have had a hard time holding it together. So, I thought I would just turn to my blog and allow myself to just go with my feelings, allow myself to complain for a couple of minutes and then go deep within myself and pull out of this funk so I can have a good day. So here goes....

1. I want to sleep in bed with my husband and not in a recliner next to my bed.
2. I want to go to the pool with my children.
3. I want to stop crying.
4. I want to take my kids shopping by myself.
5. I want to drive myself wherever I want to go.
6. I want to be able to clean my house and do my laundry, yes, I said that out loud!
7. I want to be able to be intimate with my hubby.
8. I am sick and tired and did I mention SICK & TIRED of having drain tubes that hurt me.
9. I am tired of needing help and assistance.
10. I want to sleep on my side again.
11. I am tired of Neosporin.
12. I am tired of gauze and band-aids.
13. I am tired of the side effects of pain medication.
14. I am tired of going to doctor appointments.
15. I wish I could just take 10 days of antibiotics and be all better.
16. I want all my medical bills to magically disappear.
17. I want to go away somewhere with my family.
18. I want to go to church.
19. I don't want my kids and Deryl to have to go through this.
20. I miss Naomi.
21. I miss my sister.
22. I want to see my best friend.
23. I want to take a "quick" shower.
24. I want my dog to get better (his leg is hurt and we can't afford the vet bill)
25. I just can't help but complain one last time about how irritating drain tubes are!!!!

Whew, I feel better already! I think I just needed to get that out and off my mind. I guess it is okay to complain sometimes. I guess I have earned the right to complain a little bit it would seem. But one side of me says that it isn't okay to complain and cry and that I need to put on my big girl panties and get over it. Yuck, I don't know why I am so hard on myself. Sure sounds harsh while saying it and I can't imagine ever being that harsh with someone else. And I know you are probably still laughing at the "Big girl panties" comment thinking I don't wear any. BUT, believe it or not, I have decided that since I have no need for a bra that I am going to become a "Pantie" girl. Ha, ha, ha. I know this is too much information for some of you but it cracks me up and that is all that matters, right!! They really bug me but I'm trying to get used to them and Deryl is having fun picking them out at the store!


Humor seems to always help pull me out of the down times. I'm starting to feel better and the tears have stopped streaming down my face. So, that is a good sign. One good thing about these kind of days is that after going through life-coaching, I have a huge tool box of ways to dig myself out of the "ruts" of life. I know how to pull myself back up. It isn't always easy but the majority of the time I am very positive about life and have a great attitude and outlook on everything. So, that is what I am doing now. Pulling myself back up from a dark place of tears, sadness and complaining. Back up to the positive. So, I must end this post with the positive side of all that is.

1. In March, I randomly decided to do a self-breast exam because I am now 40 years old.
2. My gynecologist is the one who referred me to Solis Women's Healthcare and to my breast surgeon. I randomly picked her from a list of gynecologists 8 years ago. I totally believe God lead me to her and I have never known why until now.
3. My breast surgeon referred me to my awesome plastic surgeon who totally rocks.
4. My cancer was Grade One and Stage One, couldn't ask for a better prognosis.
5. I found Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth. 
6. I am alive!
7. I have the best church family in all the world!
8. I have awesome family and friends who love us all.
9. I have the best husband in the entire world.
10. My kids take such good care of me and are handling this so very well.
11. I have health insurance.
12. Deryl's job is allowing him to work from home so he can help me.
13. I'm not having to go through this alone.
14. I have new friends that are also survivors which help me know I'm gonna be okay and get through the hard times.
15. God gave me the idea for my blog.
16. I serve a great big God and have never once said "Why me?"
17. I have had the privilege of informing other women about the importance of self-breast exams and I have NO doubt that I will contribute to helping save the lives of other women.
18. My job has been so understanding and patient.
19. The girls are almost out of school and will be home to help me.
20. We appreciate each other more.
21. We appreciate life so much more.
22. Prayers, support and kindness from many people who I don't even know.
23. We have completely changed our eating habits.
24. I have been given a platform to help other women.
25. I believe I am now CANCER FREE!!

Update on complications

Kelley says...............


Well, praise God that the spot that was turning purple is light pink and white now!! This is super good news because that is a sign that my body is doing what it is supposed to! But now the right side where the cancer was removed is really pink/red at the center of the incision. I'm trying not to worry about it. Of course, that is easier said than done. But, I am believing that when I wake up in the morning both sides will be very much improved.


I am really, really getting tired of these drain tubes! But the fluid is slowly decreasing so hopefully I won't have to endure them much longer. This has been by far the hardest part of this so far, at least on the physical side. They hurt and are very uncomfortable and extremely GROSS!!


I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend and hopefully get to enjoy spending time with people you love.

Complication Update

Kelley says.............


Dr. Kunkel ended up calling me last night around 9:15 and told me he wanted me to go ahead and come in this morning so he could take a look at it. I truly believe that the reason he called was because everyone was praying. I went in and he went ahead and took out some of the saline from the tissue expander. He took all the bandaging off and said that where the lump was removed was a little dark and pink so we need to watch that too. On the spot where I am having the complication a big blister actually formed and filled with fluid right on top of the red spot. So he removed that as well. I have never been so thankful to not have feeling in my chest because I didn't feel a thing!


So anyway, he said that this will either get better or we will have to go in and remove that skin. The worst case scenario would be that I have to get the expander replaced or removed all together. But I am believing that because everyone has been praying that God was the one that let the doctor call last night and that God gave him the wisdom to do what he did today and that I am going to get better!! So please continue to pray that my body will continue to heal and recover the way it is supposed to. And that I will stay calm and at peace.


Kelley

Prayer Request

Kelley says.............


Okay, I just got off the phone with one of the ladies from the Joan Katz Breast Cancer Center. She told me that sometimes the blood flow just doesn't go to a certain part of the skin and that skin dies. What I need to happen is for the blood in my body to go to all parts of my skin where I had surgery and flow properly! She said that if that happens, it will start getting lighter in color and will get smaller so please pray for that. She also said that if the worst happens, it will be a minor surgery where they would just fix the skin. And she also said that it would not affect my end result in appearance at all. She said there is nothing I could have done differently and that I didn't do anything wrong so that was reassuring. 


She told me that this usually happens in overweight or unhealthy people or in smokers. SO, I am hoping for a complete healing!!!!


Ezekiel 16:6 NKJV


“And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’

2 Steps forward, another step back

Kelley says........

Today, my sister-in-law came over and spent the day with me. A good friend came by to visit and she brought me food and a gorgeous pink bag filled with Estee Lauder goodies. Another friend came by and brought her precious 4 week old baby girl and let me hold her for a LONG time. 


About 4 days ago, I noticed a red spot probably about the size of a nickel near the surgery site. When I went in to the doctor yesterday, he said that we really needed to watch it. That sometimes the blood supply to the area doesn't re-establish itself. But he said he wasn't too worried about it but we just needed to keep a good eye on it. Today, it is more purple looking and the skin on top looks kind of like a blister. It doesn't hurt but I don't have feeling there anymore so that really isn't a good indication of anything. 

So anyway, we called him today to tell him about it and they just said that sometimes these things just work themselves out on their own and other times it requires another surgery. I am a nervous wreck. I took a Zanax and it hasn't phased me a bit. I have been so calm and at peace during this whole thing up until now. I have been praying myself and have asked everyone else to pray that I would not have any complications. I don't know why I am having a hard time right now. I just feel like I could totally break down. This is just so hard. This is the 4th occasion that I had a wonderful day during the day and then a major setback. I hate this. I so want to get back to normal. I just want it all to be okay and go on with my life. It is at these times when I realize how serious this is and just SO wish this was just a simple deal and I could move on. 

I have healed so much and made so much progress. I just can't imagine if I had to go in for a second surgery. Even if it wouldn't be near as major as the last one, I don't want to have to endure that. I already will have to have another surgery at the end of my reconstruction and this is all just so overwhelming.


The scripture coming to me right now as I type is "Be still and know that I am God". Hmmmmm, guess I need to meditate on that and go with it. I mean, if God could prompt me to do the self-exam in the first place and detect this so early, surely he can heal me of this and I could wake up tomorrow morning and it be much better! I never realized how much I am depending on all of you to lift me up in prayer. Because right now, I am in tears and feel like I can't do this another day. So please pray for me. I know this is just a rough time at this very moment and the enemy would love nothing more than for me to give up. But that is just not my style. I will have a good cry, dust myself off, and pick myself back up and get through this. 


Thank you all again a million times over for being there for me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to type these words and know that someone is out there reading it who love me and care for me.


I'll keep you all posted.


Kelley

It's a Party Party Weekend!

Deryl says......We got good news today. The cancer is stage 1 and grade 1 which is the best we could hope for. They are going to run another test before they determine if Kelley will need chemo or not. I was a nervous wreck in the hours prior to our appointment. As soon as we got the news it was like a ton of bricks fell off of my shoulders. She also got two of the drain tubes removed which will improve her comfort level immensely.

I never really thought I was concerned about Kelley living or dying until we got the good news today and I realized it must have been weighing on me. Because I feel elated. It is such a relief. We are by no means through this yet but this news gives us such wonderful hope.

On a funny note, Kelley has been unable to shave under her arms since the surgery. The other day she noticed how they looked and totally freaked. She thought it was totally gross. I told her she looked European but she wasn't buying it. We forgot to ask during the appointment so we had to call and leave a message. We were driving back home when we got the call and she was told that she could in fact shave under her arms now. She hung up the phone and with the biggest grin looked at me and said "you can have sex with me now". Well I could have wrecked the car we laughed so much. Of course that would be a miracle right now but it was fun to think about! Much love!

Friends, Family, and......DrainTubes? :)

Deryl says.........While I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone at this point I would not trade it for the things we have gained so far. It has been difficult many times and emotionally draining. The thing that has been so amazing and inspiring to me is how much Kelley and I have changed for the better as a result of this experience. I have mentioned some of them before but the increased level of love and openness to others has been a true blessing. It is so much more difficult to judge others now. I considered myself a pretty non-judgmental person before but I have discovered new love and respect for the journey of others that I did not have before. Plus the opportunity to serve my wife and show her how much I love her has only increased my love for her. Then the girls have been amazing. They are such wonderful caretakers of their mommy. I know I have had struggles with their conflicts and my reactions in the past but they have matured to a new level overnight it seems. I am so proud of how they have handled this situation.
Then our family and friends have been so loving and supportive. As Kelley mentioned in her previous post all of the acts of care and support have meant so much to us and helped us through this. We have made some new friends that are more like angels. They have walked with us through every difficult moment coming to our house early in the morning or late at night when needed. We can just feel their love for us every time we are with them and we love them with all of our hearts. Jesus said that there is no greater love than a man lay down his life for his brother. And they have laid down their life for us over and over again. Of course they have not died but they have set aside their lives and all the things going on in their lives for us at the drop of a hat. Like I said they are more like angels.
Even our relationship with my mother and sister has gone to a new level. They have been so encouraging and kind. I am so grateful for them. And so proud of my sister who got her college degree a couple of weeks ago. Way to go sis!
We have our moments when the reality of what is happening hits us. And when it does it is painful and scary. The first time Kelley tried to bathe and realized she could not do it by herself was a tough moment for her. My inability to sleep the first several nights she was home was very draining. But through it all we have all been very patient and kind with one another. I think that we are able to do that because we have allowed one another to take care of ourselves and re-energize when we needed it. I have been able to get the girls out of the house a few times which has helped. Kelley made sure before her surgery that someone could come stay with her while I got to go out to our weekly movie night with the guys from church. And Kelley has just been so grateful to us and so liberal with her praise of me and the girls it makes it really easy to take care of her. She is a good patient!
My biggest concern through this whole thing was how Kelley would react to the sight of her post surgery body. I was very fearful that it would cause her to be very insecure but she handled it so well. There are still a lot of moments of fear. Any pain in a new place or anything else out of the ordinary makes you wonder if it is cancer somewhere else. Fortunately that is happening less and less.
Kelley's sense of humor in the midst of this has been inspiring. We were walking around the block yesterday and Heather was complaining that her ankle was hurting and Kelley looked at her and with a big smile on her face said "hey at least you still have boobs!". She got out of the shower today after taking a shower by herself for the first time and did a little dance and called it her "drain tube dance". If you have ever experienced drain tubes in your body you know it is not a fun or comfortable experience. I won't go into detail but in effect Kelley has 4 tubes in her body that protrude through her skin and out of her body and end in a clear plastic bulb. They are usually kept in the pockets of this special camisole but when she takes a shower they are clipped onto a lanyard that hangs around her neck and dangle in front of her. So when she does her dance they sway around in front of her. Now if you knew Kelley before this experience you would know that Kelley does not do things like that. She has been willing to show her surgery site to anyone who has been interested to see, as long as they are female of course. Again this is something she would have never done before. She is not self-conscious like she was before.
We are so fortunate and blessed to have so many who love and care for us. I don't think we would know it as much if not for this challenge in our lives. We still have some hurdles to cross to put this behind us but we are hopeful for the future and grateful for all of you. Much love!