Kelley says............
It is amazing to me how our minds work. How we can go from feeling on top of the world to doubting everything we see. To go from believing absolutely everything in your life is going to work out to not seeing any possible way that it can. I guess this is why the word says to renew your mind. Which tells me that it can be done. But how it just comes out of no where is what can be so annoying.
Am I alone or does anyone else feel this way? I think that what has brought this on today in my life is that the girls start school next week. Since April I have been going to doctors appointments and dealing with all this stuff going on in my life. The entire summer has been spent doing this. Now it has already flown by and they will be off to middle school and high school. I still can't even believe it.
I think another part of what is going on is that I only have one treatment left. While this is very exciting for me I think what in the world will I do when I don't have weekly doctor appointments? When I'm not being watched on a regular basis to make sure I am okay. It is really a strange feeling. Then thinking about having to get my final reconstruction surgery and recover from all that. I guess I just don't have any idea what my new "normal" is going to really look like.
My life has taken so many turns and it seems that there are so many opportunities but I just don't know which one to grab hold of. But I am confident that God will open the doors that need to be opened and close the ones that need to be closed.
I am so thankful for blogging. It is really good to get it out, I am already feeling better. I would love some feedback to know if you go through these days too. The crazy thing is that they usually come after having some really, really good days and then BAM, there they are. So let me know your thoughts!!
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Kelley,
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone in your feelings. I know I have done that as well. Back in May when I got the news that my stomach was good, I still went through a depression. Part because I was so frustrated that I had to go through all that testing, and part because I still am having issues.
Every time I work Tres Dias and I see all the good that comes from it, how God shows up for each woman no matter what, how he shows up for me in very specific ways...I come home and have a melt down. Some of it is lack of sleep, lack of good nutrition and just pure emotional exhaustion, but I also know some of it because I have to come back to reality. Tres Dias is my "God Bubble" and I don't want to leave it.
There are times when I can be so faith filled...knowing that everything works out, but there are other times when I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate it...I hate that I doubt God, myself, my family, my friends and anybody else that comes across my path. I am usually pretty positive for the most part, but there are days I just want to pull the covers over my head and tell the world to leave me alone. Praise God they are not too often...I couldn't bear myself.
Maybe you are going through a greiving process, the girls going back to school is hard..especially when one is going into high school...that would cause anyone to greive. Your life has been on an emotional, physical and spiritual roller coaster for the last 6 months, who wouldn't be a little freaked out about being back to normal, a little scared if you are going to take it all for granted again, a little apprehensive what your new breasts will look like (much better than mine..wink...wink). You are a fighter Kelley...don't let the enemy try to play mind games with you. The battle is in your mind that is a fact!! I will be praying for a smooth transition for everyone and that God will give you assurance of a secure future with HIM.
Love you lady!!
Tammy
Kelley,
ReplyDeleteI so get it! Yes, Yes, & Yes, I experience the ride as well! I think that is why it is a daily walk. This morning I read in Luke 9:23 which says, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." It is for me an easy truth to say I want to follow after Christ, but the next 2 things the verse says are not quiet so easy. Denying myself and taking up my cross daily in order to follow up are at times somewhat more difficult than others. I am so glad that the Father knows us even better than we know ourself as He can minister to our spirits deep within when we don't even know why we are the way we are. He shows up in so many different ways. Let me stop and count the ways he has ministered to my spirit and be greatful. Here goes...for my friend Kelley who inspires me, for my loving husband who loves me unconditionally, for God answering the prayer of my 13 yr. old to find his lost wallet, for 3 young boys in my life that are willing to help me out around the house, for my chiropracter who has blessed me with the opportunity of becoming healthy, for radio Bible teachers that I can listen to and the computer so that I can log onto and listen to Bible teaching any time of the day or night, for even our sweet little snickers who always runs to greet me when I walk into the room, for God's word (Isaiah 23:6!!), for each new day as it comes with God's mercies which are new every day. I know there are many more to name, but I will stop for now.
Kelley, thanks for the opportunity to share our struggles and know we are not alone in the journey.
Love ya,
Darla