Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Forever Changed

Kelley says............

The last week or so has been quite difficult for me. I have had such a range of emotions going on it is hard to even blog about it or describe it. I am so glad that treatment is over. Things are starting to taste somewhat normal again so that is good. I am back to eating like I was so I am starting to lose the weight I gained and just feel better overall. 

I'll do my best to describe what I feel but it may only make sense to someone who has walked in my shoes. When I was diagnosed back in April, I only had a couple of weeks to let that sink in and then it was on to trying to decide what surgery to have. It took several weeks of contemplating that and then it was on to trying to recover from that surgery. Then it was right on into trying to decide if I would do chemo and then right on into treatment. Then it was deciding what to do with my hair. So it was just one major thing after the other. I don't think I really had time to sit down and deal with all that I was really going through because I had all the above mentioned things going on. 

Now that treatment is complete I am on to not knowing exactly when my reconstruction surgery will take place. Sometime before the end of the year, I hope. Anyway, I think that I am just now able to really, really grasp what has happened to me. Now please understand that I absolutely know 100% that my boobs do not in anyway define who I am. However, now that I have finished treatment, I had this sudden realization that I am FOREVER changed. That I will never, EVER look the same again. I imagine that people who have not gone through breast cancer, watches someone go through this journey and at this point in the journey thinks it is all over and done with and the person is doing just great. But the fact is that even though I CAN and am going to get new boobs it isn't like I just chose to go get a boob job and all is well. I didn't choose this and this isn't like a normal boob job. I am scarred for life. I may look great in clothes but every time I step out of the shower, ever time I change my clothes, every time I have sex with my husband, I am reminded of what I have been through and that these scars are permanent. 

I also feel very sad because now I know first hand what all of this feels like and so now I know what all my mom went through. Oh how I wish I would have realized this and been there for her more than I was. I wish I could have told her I understood what she was going through. I feel like the Pacific Ocean is sitting just behind my eyeballs waiting to gush forth. But I can't even cry. I feel like if one little thing happened, it would be just enough to send me over the edge. I really hate posts like this because as you know, I love inspiring people and I know this is far from inspiring. But it is just totally real. I want women to be inspired but I also want them to know the truth of what this does to a person. And if you are reading this and you don't have breast cancer and have never walked this road, PLEASE do monthly self-exams and start getting your yearly mammograms if you don't already. I would NEVER, EVER want anyone else to EVER have to walk this road. 

On a positive note, I also know that I am forever changed on the inside in so many ways. For that, I will be forever grateful. I will be okay. I know I will. But if I happen to cross your mind, please say a prayer for me. You guys have prayed for me so much and I believe God will hear your prayers and mine and help me through this time.



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