Kelley says.......
For anyone who doesn't know yet...........me and a friend from church are starting a sewing ministry. We're going to call it "Sewing for TaTa's". When I was first diagnosed, this friend made me two hospital gowns to wear to all my doctors appointments. I always got compliments on them and it just made me feel special that I got to bring my own gown rather than wear those old worn out ones they give you to wear.
We have had several people donate material to our ministry. I have started talking about this more and more and on December 22nd, a package arrived at my house. A lady from church who knew I was in need of a portable sewing machine had purchased a brand new sewing machine for me and had it delivered to my house!! Then on Sunday at church, two ladies who love to sew told me they would absolutely LOVE to help us sew. SO, we will be getting together once a month to sew hospital gowns for breast cancer patients!
Even my plastic surgeons office wants some! I am getting so excited. I also found out today that I can volunteer here in Arlington at a cancer center starting next month instead of having to drive to Ft. Worth. That is such exciting news for me because I will be able to volunteer much more often.
I am still feeling the JOY!! I was going to make a video blog about it but just haven't had the time. But I will soon so you guys can see my hair!
Hope you all have a wonderful New Year's!!
Kelley
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Joy UNSPEAKABLE
Kelley says................
Ya know, it was 12:45am a couple of days ago when I blogged. I love going to sleep early and waking up early. But since having my last surgery, I am not supposed to lay on my sides and I am such a side sleeper. Even with medication, I have not been getting much sleep. Here it is, 12:53 am and I am wide awake.
I have been so excited and so on fire it is just amazing. This joy is really amazing. I mean, that night when I blogged last, I was literally trying to figure out if I was that excited and talking non-stop because of any of my medication. I realized that that wasn't it but then I remembered that while I was at Target I downed a Peppermint Mocha because I didn't want to carry it around in the store with my other items. So I was convinced that was it because I normally don't drink coffee. Then I woke up the next morning and I was STILL SO excited and talking non-stop and just full of unspeakable JOY!!
I have been talking this out and trying to figure it out with all my heart. You can't even imagine! I am doing things that are SO not like me. And I mean SOOOOOO not like me. I've talked this through for hours with Deryl and discovered that every single time a miracle happens in my life, it is when I get totally fed up. When I get to my wits end. When I scream at God and literally say, "If you are a man that cannot lie, WHY is your word SO contradicting?!!? The scriptures that are written on my heart are a lie? That is what it seems like because I don't feel you and you aren't here! I need you to show me you are real God! Please God! But God I love you so much that even if you never show me these truths here on earth I will STILL love you. EVEN if there ended up not being a heaven or a hell, I'd STILL love you and serve you because you are my absolute everything. Without YOU, there would be no me.
I have realized in the last few days that I truly have never in my life felt joy. True joy. I was happy when my children were born and at my wedding and at other "moments" in my life but NEVER, EVER joyful. I mean seriously, if I won the lottery I would be like "Well, that is so exciting". When something great happens, I would never jump up and down or do anything crazy. My boss is on a regular basis walking around being so stinkin' happy and clapping his hands SO loud. It really gets on my nerves sometimes because he is so happy. But now I realize it is JOY. I have really, really, really NEVER experienced this and I am so grateful. I have a story. I know most of you know what you think is my story. But I knew back in September God was starting to work on me to share another part of my story to save even more lives. I today am so scared to tell this particular part of my story. But I know in a matter of time I will have to be obedient so please be patient with me. It will happen in God's time and I know in my heart it will be amazing.
Wow! What a year. I've got it goin' on!!! And it took me my lifetime to see myself. A good friend of mine, the one who actually is responsible for my salvation said to me yesterday "You see me". And it made my day. What a compliment, to see someone through all the !@#$ and still love them right where they are at. THAT is joy. THAT is God's love. THAT my dear friend is GOD'S GREATEST COMMANDMENT!!
More scriptures on Joy....
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
When I discovered your words, I devoured them.
They are my joy and my heart’s delight,
for I bear your name,
O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies
They are my joy and my heart’s delight,
for I bear your name,
O Lord God of Heaven’s Armies
These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The greatest day of my life!!!!!
Have you seen the new 2011 Camero's? Oh goodness they are so fine!! I saw one yesterday that was the most beautiful red I have ever seen. I sure would love to have one of those!! But you know, before this new one, you couldn't convince me a new Camero could be better than the old ones. That is kinda like me today. FINALLY, I am baaaaaaaack!!!!!! It is me but only a much better version. Let me explain.
Excitement has been building within me since November 22nd when I had my reconstruction surgery. I mean, I have so much to be grateful for. My hair is coming back, I got my perfect boobs, no more chemo, I feel great, I'm alive! I have wondered for MONTHS if I would ever be like my old self. Like those old Camero's. But you know what, the 2011 version is WAY better.....who would have thought?
The last three days I have felt something within me building up. Something great. I have had such an incredible week. Monday, a friend came by and gave me a very special gift. The same day since I couldn't drive, another very dear friend brought me a homemade lunch and we got to visit and I don't even think we mentioned the word Cancer! Tuesday, I started having much less pain from the surgery. Today, I have felt great. I woke up this morning and was straightening up the chairs in my kitchen and I, for no reason at all just said out loud...... "This is the day that YOU have made Lord and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it". I went in to work and had a very productive day.
All day, this "something" was continuing to build. Almost with every breath it got bigger and bigger. I went to our annual Christmas service where we sing carols, make cards and ornaments, everyone eats together, it is just a ton of fun. I went there tonight with hair and no hat or scarf. I talked to so many of my friends and we didn't talk about cancer. I even went in the bathroom and showed one of my peeps my new boobs! I had a blast. I felt like "ME" again! I guess I just feel like this thing is FINALLY coming to a close and I can move on with my life.
Just thinking about New Year's Eve is so exciting to me. It is going to be the most special New Year's Eve of my life. God is doing something in me....Something BIG. I don't know what it is but I can feel it. Let me just tell you that although nothing MAJOR has happened to me, today has been the BEST day of my ENTIRE life. Now isn't that just something? The fact that I can have true joy for no big reason is amazing to me. The verse that says "The joy of the Lord is my strength" has come alive in my heart.
I know at some point all of us have felt like a nobody. Maybe this is you. I have felt this way many times. But oh dear child, God has already put something so amazing in you. HE made you and HE loves you just the way you are right now. He loves you and desires SO very much for your life. Do you realize that if you saw yourself the way HE sees you, you would do some seriously amazing things!! I think we should all start praying for God to allow us to see others how he sees them and to allow us to see ourselves like HE does!! I believe that we would all have TRUE JOY. I can't even explain how I feel right now. I'm on top of the world, the universe. Jumping up and down on the inside. It is 12:45 am and I am WIDE awake so full of joy.
It is sad to say that I don't think this has happened to me not one single day in my ENTIRE life. And I am betting there are many of you who can relate to me. I can't even describe this feeling of joy. It is just PURE joy. So I think God is showing me to CHOOSE joy. When I am down and life has thrown me a curve ball, I can CHOOSE joy!!
I have been questioning God. I have been having some real "Come to Jesus" talks with him! LOL
I have been asking some hard questions of him and throwing his own word at him asking him to prove it to me. No matter what!!.....I will love Him. But if His word is true then he needs to start showing me, that is for sure and this is exactly how I have been talking to Him. Well this week, He is showing me. And it started with the two friends I saw on Monday (you know who you are!)
My prayer all evening is "God, please don't let me lose this Joy"......."Please God, let this stay with me forever!! I feel like not only have I been given a second chance at life but I've been given a second chance.............period. I believe God is doing something really, really special and I can't wait to see what it is. Won't you believe with me? I'll be praying for all my faithful bloggers who are following me to experience this same Joy because truly, it is better than any drug. You can't BUY this kind of happiness. It can truly only come from the Lord.
Today, is the happiest day of my entire life!!!! And yeah, I'm secretly praying God lays it on someone's heart to buy me that 2011 NEW Red Camero........and I'll take it fully loaded by the way......with a built in GPS.......and thank you in advance. LOL
Psalm 118:24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Nehemiah 8:10 b "For the joy of the Lord is your strength."
It is my prayer today that you may be filled with pure JOY. That no matter your circumstances, you will CHOOSE JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Masks
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| Which mask will you be wearing today? |
I just love this picture. It makes me think about how maybe we are our True Selves when we are sleeping. And whether we realize it or not, we do exactly what the guy in the picture is doing each and every day.
I was part of a church for a while that was full of masks. It was very "clickish" and believe me, you weren't getting inside that click no matter how hard you tried. I love my church now. I have never been a part of a body of believers that were so genuine and so real! At any other church I have EVER attended you would keep it a secret if you drank occasionally, if you smoked, you wouldn't dare tell a soul. And OMG.....if you cussed, you were for sure going to hell! My goodness, for that matter we were told we were going to hell for reading a book that Oprah approved of!!
I have always been a "real" person. The kind of person that "what you see is what you get". But after years of living in a traditional church setting, I too put on that mask. I was so afraid that if someone new my past, they would never speak to me again. So I had to pretend with the best of them. But when I was diagnosed with cancer back in April. It was so easy to just open up and be really, really REAL. It was like, ya know....I could die. In the grand scheme of things, do I really care what anyone else thinks? Of course not! I started this blog and have been as real as I can possibly be. For months this is how I felt and my actions followed.
But after my last chemo treatment, I realized that when I talked to certain people, I wasn't sharing how I was really feeling. About three weeks after my last treatment, I spent about 6 - 8 weeks being completely NOT myself. I didn't know what in the heck was happening to me. I was extremely sad yet I couldn't shed a tear. I was just numb. I was tired of dealing with all this cancer junk. It has been a long hard year! During this time I was saddened to realize that I was back to putting on different masks. One mask for church, one mask for home, one mask for family, one mask for certain friends, one mask for work, one mask for __________________. You can just fill in the blank.
After going through this entire ordeal this year, I have gone through some changes. Not just physically but spiritually and emotionally as well. I am a completely different person in so many ways. One of the biggest changes is that I see people SO differently. EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS A STORY! And who am I to judge a single soul? You have NO idea what people are going through. Anyway, I'm tired of the masks, aren't you? I just want to be me!! That is when I am the happiest. I want to be my TRUE SELF at all times.
True Self: The true self is the center of consciousness out of which spring love, inspiration, compassion, conscience, even illumination. Before we can harmonize what we do with who we are, we need to get reacquainted with ourselves. We need to take the time to align our actions with our deepest values so we don’t continue to create internal conflict. It is your deep and natural core before you were socialized to be something different. It’s unpretentious and following it will lead to your most authentic joy and happiness.
So be conscious of your "masks".....be yourself, have fun, enjoy each moment because the only time we are promised is this very moment right now!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Surgery update
Kelley says.............
Just thought I would update everyone that the surgery went well. I have been really, really sore but I am so happy I am DONE! No more surgeries and here pretty soon I won't have to see doctors near as often. So that is really good. I have no idea what I look like yet because I am still all bandaged up. But I go in today at 9:00 and I'm hoping they remove the bandages because they are itching me like crazy.
As always, Deryl and the girls have been such wonderful caretakers. Deryl took this whole week off to be home to take care of me. I got to the hospital Monday at 5:30 and was in surgery by 7:30. I went to recovery and was on my way home by 12:30! Nice to be home and not in a hospital bed. AND, the guy who did my IV did a great job on the first try. So God definitely answered all the prayers that were lifted up for me!!
Hope you have a fabulous Thanksgiving!!
Kelley
Just thought I would update everyone that the surgery went well. I have been really, really sore but I am so happy I am DONE! No more surgeries and here pretty soon I won't have to see doctors near as often. So that is really good. I have no idea what I look like yet because I am still all bandaged up. But I go in today at 9:00 and I'm hoping they remove the bandages because they are itching me like crazy.
As always, Deryl and the girls have been such wonderful caretakers. Deryl took this whole week off to be home to take care of me. I got to the hospital Monday at 5:30 and was in surgery by 7:30. I went to recovery and was on my way home by 12:30! Nice to be home and not in a hospital bed. AND, the guy who did my IV did a great job on the first try. So God definitely answered all the prayers that were lifted up for me!!
Hope you have a fabulous Thanksgiving!!
Kelley
Monday, November 22, 2010
Kelleys Final Surgery
Deryl says.........Kelley is having her surgery tomorrow and I find myself
uneasy about the whole thing. I am not sure why. It seems as if I should be
very happy about it ending. I think I might be wondering what now? She's
had all the treatment and they say she is cancer free. So what do we do now
to make sure it doesn't come back.
I am happy that everything will be over and that there is no more
treatment. The thing is I want someone to assure me that this is the end
and that we will never have to deal with this again. Of course that cannot
happen. I guess I am going to have to learn to appreciate each moment
better than I have before. Please pray for us. Especially Kelley!
We love you all!
Deryl
uneasy about the whole thing. I am not sure why. It seems as if I should be
very happy about it ending. I think I might be wondering what now? She's
had all the treatment and they say she is cancer free. So what do we do now
to make sure it doesn't come back.
I am happy that everything will be over and that there is no more
treatment. The thing is I want someone to assure me that this is the end
and that we will never have to deal with this again. Of course that cannot
happen. I guess I am going to have to learn to appreciate each moment
better than I have before. Please pray for us. Especially Kelley!
We love you all!
Deryl
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Final Countdown
Kelley says.............
I only have about 30 hours left to wait for my reconstruction surgery. This is a surgery I am not nervous about AT ALL. This is one I can get excited about! I don't have to wait on test results. I won't wake up wondering if they got all the cancer out or if it was worse than they thought. I'll hopefully look more normal to myself.
I was really hoping to go a size bigger but with all the problems I have had on my skin where the tumor was removed, and with how thin the skin on my chest is after my first surgery, I have to stick with the size I am at. So, I'll end up with the same size I was before all this mess. But I am thankful. I know there was a time that a mastectomy was the only option and reconstruction wasn't even heard of. So, I am very grateful that I have anything at all.
Last night we spent family night with another family. This particular lady has a 4 year old and an 8 year old. I went over there without my scarf on and when I rang the doorbell I was wondering what the kid's were going to say about my hair. They both noticed right away and wanted to feel it. It was so cute. Anyway, they both seemed "extra" attached to me last night. Of course, I was just eating it up! Later in the night, the little boy who is 8 kept sitting right next to me and talking to me. I would see him just staring at me and looking at my hair. Then he says "Kelley, when your hair comes back I just know you are going to be so beautiful". Is that so darn sweet or what? It just made my night......from an 8 year old!
You see, me and these children have something in common. We have both lost a parent to cancer. But to look into the eyes of a 4 and an 8 year old who have lost their daddy, that just breaks my heart into pieces. But they were so much fun and we had a blast spending time with them!
So pray that all goes well with my surgery Monday morning! It is at 7:00 and will be about 2.5 hours. Pray I will have a smooth and quick recovery and that all my nurses and such will be awesome. And also that getting the IV in will be a breeze with no problems whatsoever!! Deryl isn't feeling well so I am also praying that I will not get whatever he has. I sure don't want to be sick AND trying to recover.
Love,
Kelley
I only have about 30 hours left to wait for my reconstruction surgery. This is a surgery I am not nervous about AT ALL. This is one I can get excited about! I don't have to wait on test results. I won't wake up wondering if they got all the cancer out or if it was worse than they thought. I'll hopefully look more normal to myself.
I was really hoping to go a size bigger but with all the problems I have had on my skin where the tumor was removed, and with how thin the skin on my chest is after my first surgery, I have to stick with the size I am at. So, I'll end up with the same size I was before all this mess. But I am thankful. I know there was a time that a mastectomy was the only option and reconstruction wasn't even heard of. So, I am very grateful that I have anything at all.
Last night we spent family night with another family. This particular lady has a 4 year old and an 8 year old. I went over there without my scarf on and when I rang the doorbell I was wondering what the kid's were going to say about my hair. They both noticed right away and wanted to feel it. It was so cute. Anyway, they both seemed "extra" attached to me last night. Of course, I was just eating it up! Later in the night, the little boy who is 8 kept sitting right next to me and talking to me. I would see him just staring at me and looking at my hair. Then he says "Kelley, when your hair comes back I just know you are going to be so beautiful". Is that so darn sweet or what? It just made my night......from an 8 year old!
You see, me and these children have something in common. We have both lost a parent to cancer. But to look into the eyes of a 4 and an 8 year old who have lost their daddy, that just breaks my heart into pieces. But they were so much fun and we had a blast spending time with them!
So pray that all goes well with my surgery Monday morning! It is at 7:00 and will be about 2.5 hours. Pray I will have a smooth and quick recovery and that all my nurses and such will be awesome. And also that getting the IV in will be a breeze with no problems whatsoever!! Deryl isn't feeling well so I am also praying that I will not get whatever he has. I sure don't want to be sick AND trying to recover.
Love,
Kelley
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Susan G. Komen 3 Day
Kelley says.......
Well, the 3 Day has come and gone. We walked 19.3 very long miles on Day one. Tammy pulled her left hamstring that first day and the arch in my left foot collapsed. Day two, we only walked 11- 12 miles. And I can't even remember how many on the third day. It was a really amazing experience. I think I would love to do it again. Either walk again or volunteer or cheer people on. They had 11 cheering stations. And their were 21 private cheering stations! That is where many people came and parked their cars and got out and handed stuff out and cheered and clapped and just thanked us for walking. It was truly incredible.
When I got home on Sunday night, I took my shoes off and my big toe on my right foot was really sore. I realized that there was a big blister UNDER my toe nail! I have had to drain the fluid off myself just to relieve the pressure. So, I am really praying that it doesn't get infected and heals up before my surgery on the 22nd. I also got a big blister on my left heel but it is already almost gone!
Thank you SO very much to everyone who donated to make it possible for me to go on this walk. I am really proud of myself for doing it. I was really impressed by the whole event. I can never thank everyone enough for all of the support you have given to me and my family.
Love you all!
Well, the 3 Day has come and gone. We walked 19.3 very long miles on Day one. Tammy pulled her left hamstring that first day and the arch in my left foot collapsed. Day two, we only walked 11- 12 miles. And I can't even remember how many on the third day. It was a really amazing experience. I think I would love to do it again. Either walk again or volunteer or cheer people on. They had 11 cheering stations. And their were 21 private cheering stations! That is where many people came and parked their cars and got out and handed stuff out and cheered and clapped and just thanked us for walking. It was truly incredible.
When I got home on Sunday night, I took my shoes off and my big toe on my right foot was really sore. I realized that there was a big blister UNDER my toe nail! I have had to drain the fluid off myself just to relieve the pressure. So, I am really praying that it doesn't get infected and heals up before my surgery on the 22nd. I also got a big blister on my left heel but it is already almost gone!
Thank you SO very much to everyone who donated to make it possible for me to go on this walk. I am really proud of myself for doing it. I was really impressed by the whole event. I can never thank everyone enough for all of the support you have given to me and my family.
Love you all!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Update on Kelley
Deryl says.....I wanted to give everyone an update on Kelley's bone scan.
The results showed no cancer in her bones. I am sure you all know what a
relief that was for all of us. Thanks for your kind wishes and prayers. I
will post more soon.
Deryl McElreath
Business Development Manager
Nationstar Mortgage
Phone - 214-557-0611
The results showed no cancer in her bones. I am sure you all know what a
relief that was for all of us. Thanks for your kind wishes and prayers. I
will post more soon.
Deryl McElreath
Business Development Manager
Nationstar Mortgage
Phone - 214-557-0611
Scan results
Kelley says...........
The bone scan came back fine. Just showed that I have slight arthritis. I believe at this point that the bone pain is from the estrogen blocker I am on, Tamoxifen. I quit taking it until I am done with the 3 day this weekend. Then I'll try it again. I'm going to try and give it at least a year and see how it goes. But if I continue to live in pain on this medication then I am not going to take it. I want to have a good quality of life and not spend it in pain if I can help it.
The 3 Day starts tomorrow and the closing ceremony will be at 4:30 on Sunday at Fair Park. I am so excited!!!! I'll blog all about it when it is over!!
The bone scan came back fine. Just showed that I have slight arthritis. I believe at this point that the bone pain is from the estrogen blocker I am on, Tamoxifen. I quit taking it until I am done with the 3 day this weekend. Then I'll try it again. I'm going to try and give it at least a year and see how it goes. But if I continue to live in pain on this medication then I am not going to take it. I want to have a good quality of life and not spend it in pain if I can help it.
The 3 Day starts tomorrow and the closing ceremony will be at 4:30 on Sunday at Fair Park. I am so excited!!!! I'll blog all about it when it is over!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Heavy D
Deryl says.....I hope this post makes sense because I feel all over the place. I am sitting here watching the Rangers in the World Series (something I thought would never happen) trying to get into it. But I am having a difficult time for a few reasons. So let me list for you the things going on.
First and foremost Kelley had a bone scan on Friday because she has had pain in her hips. The doctor doesn't think it is anything to be concerned about but wants to be safe and have it checked out. What sucks about it is that it makes you realize that every time Kelley has an odd pain it is hard not to wonder if cancer has spread. Kelley had already mentioned to me that she was experiencing those thoughts and feelings. But I didn't get concerned because I figured it was a natural reaction for someone in her situation. But when the doctor wants to rule things out then I get caught up in the anxiety of it all. Kelley didn't want to tell me about it but I am glad she did. Even though I am anxious about it at least I can pray about it and if it did wind up being something bad I won't be blindsided by
it. I think that would be harder.
The next thing is that the girls were fighting tonight. I tried so hard to help them work it out calmly. And I failed so miserably. I tried to talk to Rachel about it and help her see things differently and I just couldn't communicate it in a way that she could understand. By the time I was done I couldn't even try with Heather. I was mentally exhausted. I know that nobody is perfect and I try not to dwell on it but when I fail in a parenting situation I feel so low. Kelley thinks they need more discipline and I think they need more love and encouragement. The reality is they probably need more of all of it. I just hate feeling like a bad father. I don't really think I am but sometimes I sure feel that way.
I know I usually have something philosophical to say or some spiritual lesson I gleaned out of this but right now I just feel really shitty. There is no other way to describe it. It is probably exaggerated because of everything else going on. I don't really have the time or the desire to describe it all. I am naturally such a positive person but it is all starting to feel so heavy. This valley has been so long and so hard it will be so nice when it is over. We appreciate all your kind thoughts and prayers.
First and foremost Kelley had a bone scan on Friday because she has had pain in her hips. The doctor doesn't think it is anything to be concerned about but wants to be safe and have it checked out. What sucks about it is that it makes you realize that every time Kelley has an odd pain it is hard not to wonder if cancer has spread. Kelley had already mentioned to me that she was experiencing those thoughts and feelings. But I didn't get concerned because I figured it was a natural reaction for someone in her situation. But when the doctor wants to rule things out then I get caught up in the anxiety of it all. Kelley didn't want to tell me about it but I am glad she did. Even though I am anxious about it at least I can pray about it and if it did wind up being something bad I won't be blindsided by
it. I think that would be harder.
The next thing is that the girls were fighting tonight. I tried so hard to help them work it out calmly. And I failed so miserably. I tried to talk to Rachel about it and help her see things differently and I just couldn't communicate it in a way that she could understand. By the time I was done I couldn't even try with Heather. I was mentally exhausted. I know that nobody is perfect and I try not to dwell on it but when I fail in a parenting situation I feel so low. Kelley thinks they need more discipline and I think they need more love and encouragement. The reality is they probably need more of all of it. I just hate feeling like a bad father. I don't really think I am but sometimes I sure feel that way.
I know I usually have something philosophical to say or some spiritual lesson I gleaned out of this but right now I just feel really shitty. There is no other way to describe it. It is probably exaggerated because of everything else going on. I don't really have the time or the desire to describe it all. I am naturally such a positive person but it is all starting to feel so heavy. This valley has been so long and so hard it will be so nice when it is over. We appreciate all your kind thoughts and prayers.
Monday, October 25, 2010
October Updates
Kelley says..............
Just wanted to give everyone an update. I'm doing better emotionally. I went and had lunch with another survivor today and that always helps so much. It helps me feel like I'm not alone in this and that I am in fact NOT going crazy. When I am talking with other survivors I feel so much passion inside my heart, I feel so alive and full of hope. I am actually thinking I should start a group of some kind. Not a support group I don't think, they can sometimes be depressing. But a time where we can all get together and just visit.
I have probably about 1/8 of an inch of hair. Woo hoo!! I really wanted to keep it bald until February for an event I am doing but I'm afraid it will just be way too cold. It is super soft. Last night I was holding a sweet newborn baby girl and her hair felt just like mine, only I think hers was a little longer!!
This Wednesday I go in for my 30 day follow-up with the oncologist. Then I won't have to go in for three whole months! My reconstruction surgery has finally been scheduled for November 22nd. It is just day surgery. Please, please, please pray that I DO NOT have to get drain tubes. They told me it is possible I will have to. But that he is really trying to do them less and less. So I am praying and believing that I will NOT have to get them. They were horrible and I can't even begin to say how horrified I would be to wake up from my surgery with them!! They are NOT my friend.
On another note, I have a dream of providing every cancer patient I meet with a hand-made hospital gown. When I was first diagnosed, I picked out the material and a friend of mine sewed it for me. I just loved it every time I went for an appointment and had my own pretty gown. When I went for my breast MRI early on, I had to wear a hospital gown. I can remember thinking to myself that there were people who have worn those gowns that have died. I didn't want to ever wear another one. Somehow it just takes away your dignity. I didn't want to feel like just another patient. Having my own gowns made me feel special, important.
So, I am in need of fabric. It takes 3 yards to make a gown. If you have any fabric you would like to donate we would SO appreciate it. Please e-mail me...kelley@feelthetatas.com
Kelley
Just wanted to give everyone an update. I'm doing better emotionally. I went and had lunch with another survivor today and that always helps so much. It helps me feel like I'm not alone in this and that I am in fact NOT going crazy. When I am talking with other survivors I feel so much passion inside my heart, I feel so alive and full of hope. I am actually thinking I should start a group of some kind. Not a support group I don't think, they can sometimes be depressing. But a time where we can all get together and just visit.
I have probably about 1/8 of an inch of hair. Woo hoo!! I really wanted to keep it bald until February for an event I am doing but I'm afraid it will just be way too cold. It is super soft. Last night I was holding a sweet newborn baby girl and her hair felt just like mine, only I think hers was a little longer!!
This Wednesday I go in for my 30 day follow-up with the oncologist. Then I won't have to go in for three whole months! My reconstruction surgery has finally been scheduled for November 22nd. It is just day surgery. Please, please, please pray that I DO NOT have to get drain tubes. They told me it is possible I will have to. But that he is really trying to do them less and less. So I am praying and believing that I will NOT have to get them. They were horrible and I can't even begin to say how horrified I would be to wake up from my surgery with them!! They are NOT my friend.
On another note, I have a dream of providing every cancer patient I meet with a hand-made hospital gown. When I was first diagnosed, I picked out the material and a friend of mine sewed it for me. I just loved it every time I went for an appointment and had my own pretty gown. When I went for my breast MRI early on, I had to wear a hospital gown. I can remember thinking to myself that there were people who have worn those gowns that have died. I didn't want to ever wear another one. Somehow it just takes away your dignity. I didn't want to feel like just another patient. Having my own gowns made me feel special, important.
So, I am in need of fabric. It takes 3 yards to make a gown. If you have any fabric you would like to donate we would SO appreciate it. Please e-mail me...kelley@feelthetatas.com
Kelley
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Life after treatment
Kelley says...........
Today has been a really rough day. I have been unable to cry at all for months it seems. Finally today I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through this. I think over the last couple of weeks I have been blaming other things in my life for how I am currently feeling. I think it just became clear to me today that I am only just now dealing with the mental side of what I have gone through this year. It is SUCH a long process. All along it has been two steps forward and then two steps back.
I am sure there are those who think I have SO much to be grateful for and yes, I do. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that I have no hair, I currently have deformed looking breasts, I'm still not done with doctor appointments and I still have yet another surgery. I am different. It kind of reminds me of when my son died and when my mom died. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. When my son died, much time passed before I cried. My mom used to keep him every Friday night. I would go pick him up every Saturday before noon. One Friday night I went to my mom's and when I opened the door it just hit me like a ton of bricks that he was never, ever coming back. It was a little different with my mom. But if you have ever lost someone, you know that the world so easily just gets back to normal and you are sitting there still grieving over this terrible loss.
I had a counselor tell me that breast cancer patients feel the exact same feelings as someone with PTSD. I can see why. I feel as though I should be "over" it. I feel bad for even feeling the way I feel. I'm not exactly sure what or how to feel. I think I am just a mess. I have heard and was warned by many that I would go through this. I guess that makes it a little easier but yet it is still very difficult. I want to inspire people, encourage them and lift them up. So it is hard for me to be in this place. I haven't blogged regularly because I just haven't been in the right frame of mind. So if I cross your mind, please just say a prayer for me. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for. But you all have prayed for me many times and it has done wonders. So, I believe tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post.
Today has been a really rough day. I have been unable to cry at all for months it seems. Finally today I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through this. I think over the last couple of weeks I have been blaming other things in my life for how I am currently feeling. I think it just became clear to me today that I am only just now dealing with the mental side of what I have gone through this year. It is SUCH a long process. All along it has been two steps forward and then two steps back.
I am sure there are those who think I have SO much to be grateful for and yes, I do. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that I have no hair, I currently have deformed looking breasts, I'm still not done with doctor appointments and I still have yet another surgery. I am different. It kind of reminds me of when my son died and when my mom died. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. When my son died, much time passed before I cried. My mom used to keep him every Friday night. I would go pick him up every Saturday before noon. One Friday night I went to my mom's and when I opened the door it just hit me like a ton of bricks that he was never, ever coming back. It was a little different with my mom. But if you have ever lost someone, you know that the world so easily just gets back to normal and you are sitting there still grieving over this terrible loss.
I had a counselor tell me that breast cancer patients feel the exact same feelings as someone with PTSD. I can see why. I feel as though I should be "over" it. I feel bad for even feeling the way I feel. I'm not exactly sure what or how to feel. I think I am just a mess. I have heard and was warned by many that I would go through this. I guess that makes it a little easier but yet it is still very difficult. I want to inspire people, encourage them and lift them up. So it is hard for me to be in this place. I haven't blogged regularly because I just haven't been in the right frame of mind. So if I cross your mind, please just say a prayer for me. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for. But you all have prayed for me many times and it has done wonders. So, I believe tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post.
Moving On?
Deryl says - I think I have not been blogging as often because I have not had much to say about our journey through cancer. Kelley finished her chemo treatments, her prognosis is very good, and all we have left to do is her reconstruction surgery and we are finished hopefully for good. In my mind I have moved on. I had all of my emotional breakdowns throughout the more difficult parts of the journey. What I realized though is that Kelley had not moved on when I had. She is in a better place now but I still don't know if she has processed all of this emotionally yet.
As I mentioned I was ready to move ahead. Life was going back to as close to normal as it could. But I had to wait for awhile. I could not move on yet. I wanted to wait for Kelley to be ready to move ahead. I am not sure exactly when that will be. But I don't want her to feel as if she has to rush though anything. This has been way more personally devastating to her than it has to anyone else. I want to make sure she has the opportunity to process everything. I have heard many stories of family members saying the treatment is over so it is time to move on. But the one who actually had the cancer was still in the middle of it emotionally. Wondering if the cancer will come back or did they really get it all? Did I really just go through this? It is easy for others to move on but not so easy for the actual cancer survivor.
The bottom line is we could all be more compassionate and patient and not be in such a rush to move our loved ones on. I am not saying that we should stay stuck but we should allow our loved ones the time to grieve their losses. I hope I am doing it well for my wife and hopefully if you are going through this you can do the same for your loved one.
As I mentioned I was ready to move ahead. Life was going back to as close to normal as it could. But I had to wait for awhile. I could not move on yet. I wanted to wait for Kelley to be ready to move ahead. I am not sure exactly when that will be. But I don't want her to feel as if she has to rush though anything. This has been way more personally devastating to her than it has to anyone else. I want to make sure she has the opportunity to process everything. I have heard many stories of family members saying the treatment is over so it is time to move on. But the one who actually had the cancer was still in the middle of it emotionally. Wondering if the cancer will come back or did they really get it all? Did I really just go through this? It is easy for others to move on but not so easy for the actual cancer survivor.
The bottom line is we could all be more compassionate and patient and not be in such a rush to move our loved ones on. I am not saying that we should stay stuck but we should allow our loved ones the time to grieve their losses. I hope I am doing it well for my wife and hopefully if you are going through this you can do the same for your loved one.
Friday, October 15, 2010
3 Day Cheering Stations
Kelley says....................
Here is a link for anyone interested in coming out to support myself and my friend Tammy for the 3 Day. I would LOVE for you to come to some of the cheering stations and or the closing ceremony. That would be SO awesome. I'll put the cheering station info in this post and you can click on the link to find out any other info you would need regarding being a spectator at the 3 Day event.
Thanks so, so much to everyone who helped make it possible for me to do this. I have been training very hard to get my body prepared to walk 60 miles and it has not been easy. But I am very excited about being able to participate in such an amazing event.
http://www.the3day.org/site/PageServer?pagename=DF_Spectator
Friday, November 5
9:15 a.m. - 11:15 a.m.
Creekside Baptist Church
1105 N. Waterview Drive
Richardson, TX 75080
9:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.
Seventh Day Adventist Church
1201 W. Beltline
Richardson, TX 75080
(overflow parking across Beltline at St. Luke’s Lutheran, 1210 W. Beltline Road, Richardson, TX 75080)
11:45 a.m. - 3:45 p.m.
Border's
10720 Preston Road, suite 1018
Dallas, TX 75230
12:30 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
Lowe's
11920 Inwood Road
Dallas, TX 75244
Saturday, November 6
8:30 a.m. - 10:00 a.m.
Turner Hardware
12895 Josey Lane
Farmers Branch, TX 75234
9:00 a.m. - 10:45 a.m.
Dallas Choong/Hyun Presbyterian Church
11722 Cromwell
Dallas, TX 75229
11:15 a.m. - 3:00 p.m
Valley View Mall
Montfort at 635 (LBJ Fwy)- NE corner
Dallas, TX 75240
Sunday, November 7
8:30 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.
Bank of America
5500 Preston
Dallas, TX 75205
11:15 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Historic West End
N. Market Street, from Munger to Elm
Dallas, TX 75202
On some portions of the route you may find some areas that are deemed “quiet zones” which will be indicated by signage on the route. Please assist us in respecting our neighborhoods and communities during this time
Here is a link for anyone interested in coming out to support myself and my friend Tammy for the 3 Day. I would LOVE for you to come to some of the cheering stations and or the closing ceremony. That would be SO awesome. I'll put the cheering station info in this post and you can click on the link to find out any other info you would need regarding being a spectator at the 3 Day event.
Thanks so, so much to everyone who helped make it possible for me to do this. I have been training very hard to get my body prepared to walk 60 miles and it has not been easy. But I am very excited about being able to participate in such an amazing event.
http://www.the3day.org/site/PageServer?pagename=DF_Spectator
Friday, November 5
9:15 a.m. - 11:15 a.m.
Creekside Baptist Church
1105 N. Waterview Drive
Richardson, TX 75080
9:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.
Seventh Day Adventist Church
1201 W. Beltline
Richardson, TX 75080
(overflow parking across Beltline at St. Luke’s Lutheran, 1210 W. Beltline Road, Richardson, TX 75080)
11:45 a.m. - 3:45 p.m.
Border's
10720 Preston Road, suite 1018
Dallas, TX 75230
12:30 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
Lowe's
11920 Inwood Road
Dallas, TX 75244
Saturday, November 6
8:30 a.m. - 10:00 a.m.
Turner Hardware
12895 Josey Lane
Farmers Branch, TX 75234
9:00 a.m. - 10:45 a.m.
Dallas Choong/Hyun Presbyterian Church
11722 Cromwell
Dallas, TX 75229
11:15 a.m. - 3:00 p.m
Valley View Mall
Montfort at 635 (LBJ Fwy)- NE corner
Dallas, TX 75240
Sunday, November 7
8:30 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.
Bank of America
5500 Preston
Dallas, TX 75205
11:15 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Historic West End
N. Market Street, from Munger to Elm
Dallas, TX 75202
On some portions of the route you may find some areas that are deemed “quiet zones” which will be indicated by signage on the route. Please assist us in respecting our neighborhoods and communities during this time
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Out of my hands
Kelley says...........
I don't really like this song but I love the lyrics. Maybe it will speak to you today.
"Out of my hands" by Matthew West
There you go changing my plans again
There you go shifting my sands again
For reasons I don't understand again
Lately I don't have a clue
Just when I start liking what I see
There you go changing my scenery
I never know where you're taking me
But I'm trying just to follow you
It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
There you go healing these scars again
Showing me right where you are again
I'm helpless, and that's where I start again
I'm giving it all up to you
It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
Move me, make me
Choose me, change me
Send me, shake me
Find me, remind me
The past is behind me
Take it all away
Take it all from me, I pray
It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
I don't really like this song but I love the lyrics. Maybe it will speak to you today.
"Out of my hands" by Matthew West
There you go changing my plans again
There you go shifting my sands again
For reasons I don't understand again
Lately I don't have a clue
Just when I start liking what I see
There you go changing my scenery
I never know where you're taking me
But I'm trying just to follow you
It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
There you go healing these scars again
Showing me right where you are again
I'm helpless, and that's where I start again
I'm giving it all up to you
It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
Move me, make me
Choose me, change me
Send me, shake me
Find me, remind me
The past is behind me
Take it all away
Take it all from me, I pray
It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
Monday, October 4, 2010
Rethink Possible
Kelley says.............
Today I saw AT&T's new slogan..."Rethink Possible". So I did. I thought about how many things I think about each day where I may not say that I think something is impossible but that is sure what the conclusion would be if I told you the things I was thinking. This really hit me hard since I've been doing my worry challenge. I find myself thinking about the future and all the ways things are not going to work out. This slogan really made me think about how I have to choose to think about the possible!! I love it! I've not been doing so well since my last treatment. I feel much, much better physically but not so great emotionally. I've NEVER been a fan of AT&T but this new slogan put me in such a wonderful mood today!!
Am I alone? Do you find yourself imagining how things might not work out in different situations in your life? Do you say you trust in God but don't really believe that "With God ALL things are possible" for YOUR life? I think every day we have to CHOOSE to trust him. So today, I am going to do just that!!
Today I saw AT&T's new slogan..."Rethink Possible". So I did. I thought about how many things I think about each day where I may not say that I think something is impossible but that is sure what the conclusion would be if I told you the things I was thinking. This really hit me hard since I've been doing my worry challenge. I find myself thinking about the future and all the ways things are not going to work out. This slogan really made me think about how I have to choose to think about the possible!! I love it! I've not been doing so well since my last treatment. I feel much, much better physically but not so great emotionally. I've NEVER been a fan of AT&T but this new slogan put me in such a wonderful mood today!!
Am I alone? Do you find yourself imagining how things might not work out in different situations in your life? Do you say you trust in God but don't really believe that "With God ALL things are possible" for YOUR life? I think every day we have to CHOOSE to trust him. So today, I am going to do just that!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Prison of Perception Talk
Kelley says............
For anyone who wasn't able to come out and here me talk at my church, here is a link to listen to it. My voice is so shaky at the beginning because I was nervous! Hope you enjoy the talk and get some good laughs!!
http://www.thecommunityatlakeridge.com/podcast/pod_kelley.mp3
For anyone who wasn't able to come out and here me talk at my church, here is a link to listen to it. My voice is so shaky at the beginning because I was nervous! Hope you enjoy the talk and get some good laughs!!
http://www.thecommunityatlakeridge.com/podcast/pod_kelley.mp3
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Worry Challenge Outcome
Kelley says.............
Yesterday I completed my 30 Day Worry Challenge. I must say that God has shown me so much during the last 30 days. He has shown me that in the past I have worried entirely too much about all the things that are completely out of my control. I can remember a time when I worried SO much that if I forgot what I was worrying about, I would start to worry about that!!!!I have gotten a whole lot better but realized doing this challenge that I still worry about way too much. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't think there has been very many times in my life where I have truly cast ALL my cares on the Lord like he says for us to do. But I can honestly say that I indeed have done this in the last 30 days. I have had so much more peace.
One of my friends who has been doing this challenge with me suggested that we continue for another 30 days so that we make this a habit that sticks. I then made a counter offer for us to continue right on through until the end of the year because the holidays are some of the worst times that I worry. It always comes down to finances that cause me the greatest concern. And I know with all our medical stuff from this year, the enemy will really be hard at work in my mind. SO, I have decided that I WILL continue this challenge and cast my cares on God. I anticipate that some great and mighty things are going to happen in my life. I think by casting my cares on Him and letting Him handle the cares of my life the way I should have been doing all along rather than trying to be Mrs. Fix it Fox, I will be truly astounded by all that He will show me. And then it is my prayer that this will become my way of life. A habit that I can pass down to many generations.
I know this can be done because the habit of worry has been passed down to me. I can be the generation that CHOOSES to stop the habit of worry!!!!! And I truly believe that it is a choice. I am choosing to take full responsibility and do something about it!! I hope you too will consider joining me on this new challenge. It is a true step of faith but if I can do it, you can do it too!! I know according to God's word that he does NOT want us to worry!!
Matthew 6:27-29
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
Proverbs 12:25
Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 6:31-33
So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
Yesterday I completed my 30 Day Worry Challenge. I must say that God has shown me so much during the last 30 days. He has shown me that in the past I have worried entirely too much about all the things that are completely out of my control. I can remember a time when I worried SO much that if I forgot what I was worrying about, I would start to worry about that!!!!I have gotten a whole lot better but realized doing this challenge that I still worry about way too much. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't think there has been very many times in my life where I have truly cast ALL my cares on the Lord like he says for us to do. But I can honestly say that I indeed have done this in the last 30 days. I have had so much more peace.
One of my friends who has been doing this challenge with me suggested that we continue for another 30 days so that we make this a habit that sticks. I then made a counter offer for us to continue right on through until the end of the year because the holidays are some of the worst times that I worry. It always comes down to finances that cause me the greatest concern. And I know with all our medical stuff from this year, the enemy will really be hard at work in my mind. SO, I have decided that I WILL continue this challenge and cast my cares on God. I anticipate that some great and mighty things are going to happen in my life. I think by casting my cares on Him and letting Him handle the cares of my life the way I should have been doing all along rather than trying to be Mrs. Fix it Fox, I will be truly astounded by all that He will show me. And then it is my prayer that this will become my way of life. A habit that I can pass down to many generations.
I know this can be done because the habit of worry has been passed down to me. I can be the generation that CHOOSES to stop the habit of worry!!!!! And I truly believe that it is a choice. I am choosing to take full responsibility and do something about it!! I hope you too will consider joining me on this new challenge. It is a true step of faith but if I can do it, you can do it too!! I know according to God's word that he does NOT want us to worry!!
Matthew 6:27-29
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
Proverbs 12:25
Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Matthew 6:31-33
So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
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